Monday, July 03, 2006

My Babysitting Rates Have Gone Up

Why is it that every time I get into a relationship, I end up feeling like I've adopted a spoiled, selfish, demanding child instead.

I'm not in the adoption business. I don't even like kids. I'm not the Big Sister type. My time with a Little Sister would involve martinis, cigarettes, and attempts at not falling down in public. These are not things for unseasoned children. And I'm not into training future degenerates. I don't have the patience to break down good values and sensibility.

But why do men bear an uncanny resemblance to the child I see in the supermarket throwing a tantrum because mommy won't get him the sugar-riddled sociopath-inducing behavior cereal he wants. I've always wanted to go up to those mothers, and tell them that their child belongs in a cage, and should be poked every once in while with a cattle prod. And it wouldn't hurt to use the cattle prod on themselves either, for producing an unruly, difficult child that now society has to put up with, and eventually jail due to any number of unspeakable crimes he will most likely commit. Thanks to the disgusting cereal he's hooked on and her bad parenting skills, her darling little five-year old has no shame in throwing himself on the floor, and pounding his fists into the grimy supermarket floor just to get his way. Way to go lady!

So anyway, there seems to be a definite parallel in behavior between grown men and five year old boys. And it's starting to grate on my nerves. There are only so many tantrums I'm willing to put up with. And yelling? Yelling?! No one yells at me. NO ONE. My own mother is afraid of my shadow, and there are men that actually think they can raise their voice to me. It's too incredible to get mad at. I don't countenance yelling. And I don't tolerate tantrums.

And yet every man I've ever encountered, has exhibited these traits in one form or another. Maybe I've been looking for something that doesn't exist: a relationship with an adult male. Can't play the game when no one qualifies for the other team.

I think it's a matter of perspective. No, it's not. It's an objective standard. I've decided. Children are the most selfish people on earth. Always thinking about themselves, wanting you to foot the bill, and feed them, and buy them stupid clothes they're going to outgrow in a few months anyway. They should wear clothes that are three years too big in size. This way, mommy saves time shopping, and has more money for important things, like vodka. Men are basically small children trapped in big, lumbering, sometimes unnecessarily hairy bodies. They too are unreasonably selfish. Give me love, give me attention, give me my way or I'll yell and cry. Oh please. Take a pill and calm the fuck down. Here, have one of mine for god's sake. And shut it, before I get my own cattle prod.