Saturday, January 27, 2007

There's something almost precious about starting anew

So my things finally arrived in Greece, approximately three months after I arrived, and approximately two months LATER than they were supposed to arrive.

Of course, I want to thank the worthless, good for nothing workers at the Greek docks who decided to partake in their annual Christmas strike.

Thanks guys!!! I loved living with patio furniture and four sweaters for three months, really. Brought back college memories. You guys are great. I hope a rabid dog chews off your nuts so you can't reproduce using your inferior genes.

The good news is, my furniture fits in the apartment. The even better news is I found out that I totally overpaid for shipping. Isn't that great?!

When shipping things abroad, for those of you who may not know, you pay by the square foot. And the shipping companies will generally recommend you have your things packed by them, you know, "because of customs and issues that may arise...."

Of course, when I unpacked my alleged 430 square feet of goods the moving company insisted I had, I realized that approximately 150 of that was empty space. Not packing paper or bubble wrap. Oh no. 150 square feet at over $13.00 a foot. DO THE MATH.

I actually enjoy getting sodomized without lube. I find it rather novel; a unique experience unlike any other. I highly recommend it to those of you with nothing to do on a random Saturday night. Come on, live a little.

Vaseline? No, no thanks. None for me!!! I like to bleed from the ass. Reminds me of the good old law firm days.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Betty Crocker has opened a can of whip-ass

Since sacrificing myself on the altar of domesticity, I have realized a number of things. First of all, "take out" is not one of the four major food groups. As such, I have discovered that I can actually cook. Which is relatively surprising because two months ago was the first time I ever used an oven. I'm 31 years old. This, this is sad.

I have learned that it takes about seventeen times longer to make a meal than to eat it. And about twelve times longer to clean up after. We're talking a 17:1:12 ratio. This is simply poor time management; the opportunity cost is way off. Especially when the alternative is a three minute phone call, exchanging money for food, eating, and then throwing everything away. A friendlier 1/17:1:1/12 ratio if you will.

I have learned that the fairies at the dry cleaners who spread sunshine and joy for only $.99 a shirt are not the only ones expected to know how to get wrinkles out of a button-down. I am expected to have fairy dust as well. It actually comes with my new iron.

I have learned that the killer dust that continues to cover every surface of my apartment no matter how many times a day I clean and how tightly I shut the windows is most likely nuclear clouds of radiation being blown around Europe from Chernobyl.

I have learned that the washing machine is actually not an evil contraption created by some crazed NASA scientist who's watched one too many episodes of Star Trek and is trying to send everyone through a worm hole.

And I have further learned that there are more than just "whites" and "everything else" when classifying clothing. Of course, gone are the days when the dry cleaning fairies would make that distinction for me....

I have learned that two people, for some strange reason, cannot subsist on only champagne, soy sauce packets, and granola, and that food shopping is an evolving, continuous chore that actually needs to be done more than once every never.

And most importantly, I have learned that I MUST FIND A JOB.

Monday, January 01, 2007

I'm too old to get home at 7 in the morning....

Well, it's the new year, with promises of a whole slew of new resolutions, prayers, and intentions that will crash miserably to the ground and get washed away into the nearest sewer.

But until then, I want to wish you all happiness, health, fulfillment and love.

And don't forget, the Jews did kill Jesus.

Happy New Year everybody!!!