Tuesday, October 07, 2008

So NOT the UN

So being an American and living outside of America kinda sucks. I don’t think we’re quite aware of how much the rest of the world hates us.

And I know they always say, “We don’t hate Americans; we hate the government,” but these people are dirty liars. They hate Americans.

I happen to be the only American working on my floor, surrounded by Brits, Canadians and a few Greek mixes. For some reason, these foreigners claim to know more about American life and society than I do, without ever having stepped foot there.

Now, I’m not going to say I support the war or the Bush administration, but I’ll be damned when a bunch of rotten-toothed Brits or chip-on-their-shoulder carrying Canadians are going to tell me about life in the States. I don’t think so.

I used to love the English. I really did. We shared many many things in common (alcohol). But everyday when I come in to work, I am assaulted with a barrage of questions, “Hey, MLIGCS, why don’t Americans know any geography?” “Hey, did you hear how the dollar is plummeting against the pound? Ha ha ha ha hahahaha HA.” “Hey why do you guys call is ‘soccer’?” (N.B. – the word “soccer” originated in Britain).

Or the Canadians, who up until I started working with an office full, I used to tout as the NICEST and most DECENT people on earth. They are not. They have a giant chip on their shoulder at America because they are considered the 51st state by the rest of the world. (Um, not our fault).

They believe all Americans think they live in igloos, tramp around in flannels and keep beavers as pets. They even have a commercial depicting an American guy in a bar acting like a moron asking uneducated and stupid questions about Canada. He ends up getting mauled by a beaver. (Way to defeat that stereotype, guys!!!) Last I checked, American’s couldn’t care less what kind of housing the Canadians used. Hell, live in a tree for all I care. I’ve said as much. Didn’t go over well.

“Why do you guys need to live in such big houses? Why do you all drive those big cars? How come you have so much stuff?” Um, let me think about that for a second. Oh yeah, BECAUSE WE CAN.

Also, America has 300 MILLION people. One country = 300 MILLION. And, it covers 3,794,083 sq. miles (more than TWICE the European Union). Americans are busy living their lives. Of course Europeans all know geography, or maybe sort of? Huh guys? Let’s be honest. Can anyone tell me where Laos is without looking it up? No. But you know where England is, and France, and Belgium and Spain. Way to go. We know where California, Nevada, Texas, Mississippi and Vermont are. Covers about the same square mileage.

And the British even have the nerve to complain that American’s are too nice. Too nice?!?! TOO NICE?!?! “They can’t possibly mean it, can they? With all that flummery about Have a Nice Day and such!” Those bastard Americans! The NERVE to be nice. Unbelievable.

I should try to have an intelligent discussion about the merits and disadvantages of living in any particular country, but it’s not going to work with this particular American-Hating crowd. And besides, it so much more fun to just say, “Yup, we live in unnecessarily big houses, drive great ol’ big cars, and don’t know where your country is because WE DON’T CARE.”

Fucking teachers.