Tuesday, February 28, 2006

It's All Out of Love

My grandmother used to warn me before I went out on a date not to let the guy know I wore glasses or contacts, or more appropriately, that I happen to have atrocious eyesite.

Why you ask? I'll tell you. So that the guy didn't think I was defective and not want to marry me out of fear of passing my defect on to any future offspring.

Why are single Jewish women neurotic? It's not by accident.

Monday, February 27, 2006

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

It's always fun when your European lover is in town and he decides that he loves you so much, that he's going to propose. Yes, it's unexpected. Yes, it's exciting. You're probably thinking, Get Out! (replete with Elaine shove).

He proposes in a half-serious, half-joking way. In his underwear. While we're lounging around on my couch watching TV and munching on food.

And since it's half-joking, half-serious, he clearly doesn't come prepared with a ring. But, in a stroke of ingenuity, he thinks, why not use a ring from my jewelry box? That'll be cute, that'll be charming, that'll make it seem whimsical and spur of the moment, on bended knee, slipping a ring on my left ring finger....

Except that it's not so cute or charming or whimsical when the ring he uses is MY OLD WEDDING BAND. Yeah. My old wedding band.

There are many rings in my jewelry box. Lots of fun, interesting cocktail rings, with bright, shiny stones. There are even a couple of rings given to me by my mother, pretty and feminine antique types. And there happens to be one little ring, one little lonesome ring that's there, because I don't know what to do with it.

And I guess since I haven't figured out what the hell to do with it, Fate (that heartless bitch-ass whore) decided that she would think of something.

Somehow the nuptials.....don't seem so promising.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy February 14th

To all of you out there who hate Valentine's Day because it's a painful reminder of how utterly undesirable you are to members of the opposite sex, don't worry. You're not alone. There are many undesirable people just like you, and maybe you can find each other, sitting alone at Barnes and Noble, or working out at the local Y, to commiserate.

Personally, I don't think you need one particular day for this. I mean, you're alone on other days too, like yesterday, and tomorrow, and probably next week, hell who are we kidding, let's just say you'll probably be feeling this way next year too. So just get over it already. No one is sending you flowers, no matter what day it is.

So what it comes down to is that I think you should be miserable all the time. Not just today. Because really, the woman down the hall who just received a dozen red roses and a few heart shaped balloons, who is going home to a brand new white Mercedes in the garage tied up with a giant red bow from her adoring husband, gets to go home to him all the time. And he probably treats her well everyday of the year, not just on Valentine's Day.

And you're still alone. And miserable about it.

The point I'm trying to make is, that if Valentine's Day really bums you out, like really, then you should be bummed all the time. Maybe you should see if you can squeeze through the window, to jump. You can just end it all.

But if Valentine's Day doesn't make you try to slit your wrists with a butter knife, and you see it for what it is, a way for Hallmark to make money, or a day to show those you love that you love them, then I wish you a Happy Valentine's Day.

If anyone is looking for me today, I'll be alone at Star-sucks with my computer, doing some "work" and some "writing."

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Well, they sure showed us

Iran daily holds contest for Holocaust cartoons
Tue Feb 7, 2006 7:20 AM ET

TEHRAN (Reuters) - Iran's best-selling newspaper has launched a competition to find the best cartoon about the Holocaust in retaliation for the publication in many European countries of caricatures of the Prophet Mohammad.

Way to go guys!!!! You sure showed those Danes!!!! That's right, you go girl! You show Europe what its all about. I can't believe you're ahead in the ultimate game of "Na-na na-na poo poo." I think I can actually see your thumbs to your noses as you wiggle your fingers and stick out your tongues.

What's the matter? Hurling petrol bombs at the Danish embassy not enough? Attacking the Austrian embassy not enough? Boycotting Danish goods not enough? Setting up a "scientific congress" to research whether the Holocaust actually took place not enough? Being questioned and investigated for your "peaceful" nuclear program not enough?

I don't think anyone here has forgotten that HILARIOUS practical joke you guys pulled in that whole Iran Hostage Crisis gag at the American Embassy in Tehran. Wow, your political stratagem, so smart, so svelte, so proactive. It's really working guys. Don't listen to those naysayers, YOU don't need an image consultant. You, Iran, know what you're doing..

You guys are on a winning streak with the world. I'm impressed. Really. It's hard making an entire nation of people deserve a Darwin Award. But somehow, you YOU managed.

Hey, why don't I help you guys, I have some pretty good ideas for Holocaust cartoons....oh, but you know what, I think some of your buddies have already cornered that market....here, here, here, here and definitely here.

But I'm sure you'll prevail. The Iranians have always been known for their keen sense of humor and sharp intellect. Oh yeah, did you hear the one where six million Jews were killed in ovens and gas chambers in the 1940's by the Nazi army? Hahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!! Wow, that was a good one.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Oh yes I did, I posted THE CARTOONS

This type of expression is NOT acceptable. But apparently......

.... this is just fine.

I'm not a fan of hypocrisy, especially from the creators of these images:

- Al-Yawm (Saudi Arabia), November 30, 2005

For more images published by the Arab world you can go here.