Thursday, April 12, 2007

Mr. Opportunity doesn't know my name

So I joined a new website and no, it's not an on-line dating site. Well, it could be, but that's not what I'm doing. I'm using the "networking/just friends" option. Really. No, I'm serious. Whatever, don't believe me.

It's actually a site for Jews, called The Chosen People. No, I'm kidding, it's actually called, We Really Do Think We're Better Than You and Hollywood IS Ours, So Suck It Mel Gibson.

I've found after chatting with people, ok, not exactly people, after chatting with men, yes MEN, (are you happy now?!) from all over, ok, that too is a lie, because I've been mainly chatting with men from Italy and England (**deep sigh**) and not from any scary eastern-block countries with Borat look-a-likes, that it's not easy being Jewish outside of New York, LA and Miami.

In New York, it's easy to take for granted that pretty much everyone you meet is from somewhere else, always different faces, nationalities, languages, colors, cultures. No big deal, we all get along.

For example, when my mom's best friend's non-Jewish husband passed away, the services were held in a Synagogue. When I asked her how come, she replied, "He's been living in New York for almost 40 years. It doesn't get more Jewish than that for Christ's sake!"

It appears though, that these men encounter a significant amount of anti-semitism in their respective countries when it comes to dating. And not necessarily because they are looking for Jewish women, but because the families of the non-Jewish women they date refuse to accept them. That sucks.

I mean, I know Jewish families that won't allow their kids to go out with non-Jews, but that's obvious, because we're the Chosen People, and that affords us certain privileges, like rejecting inferior religions.

But these poor guys? I feel terrible, I want to just hold them all to my heaving bosom, and make them feel better. Come to Momma, baby.

If I'd only known there were so many available Italian and English Jewish men just looking for a nice girl. I could have pretended to be a nice girl. At least for a little while. Ok, maybe not.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Where did it all go

Your friends are old (and you by association!) when their conversations are comprised of the following:

"I just got an iPod."

"Welcome to the 21st Century."

"Who is this Fergie person who's all over the place?"

"Fergie? The Duchess of York, of course."

"Wow, she looks great. That whole Weight Watchers thing did wonders!"

If anyone is looking for me, I'll be getting a colonoscopy followed by an afternoon of cane-waving from my porch at anyone under the age of 65.

Monday, April 09, 2007

What's really in a name

So I was in Israel for the past couple of weeks, staying with a "friend" and her family for her older brother's wedding and Passover.

My "friend" has a younger brother, much like my baby sister, lots of fun, nice to be around and a great conversationalist. Unlike my baby sister, this young man has a name I have never heard before, and after hearing his family call him by his name - or what I thought was his name - I too started calling him this.

Of course, what I thought I heard wasn't the proper way to pronounce his name. Actually, not only was it not the proper way to pronounce his name, it was an altogether incorrect name and one that may not even exist in Hebrew. It was, more to be exact, a name I apparently made up completely on my own. Go me.

Now, the dirty thing is, my "friend" and her little brother let me call him by this non-name for a WEEK AND A HALF before bothering to correct me. I mean, at the wedding, out with cousins, in front of their parents (who I think were just too polite to correct me and figured I suffered from a medium to severe form of retardation), if front of the in-laws, in front of friends.

Basically, my "friend" and her brother allowed me to make a total ass of myself in front of every single person I met. Now people, I've made an ass of myself before, that's certainly true. BUT THIS TIME, IT COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED!!!! Aarrgggg.

I'm going to believe she allowed me to be an idiot as a result of jealousy and fear that her family would like me more than they like her, which is a very real possibility. And I have decided to simply call her little brother Bob.

Man, I really love that girl. I'm going to make her cry one day for this.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Khristos Anesti!!!

So tomorrow half the world will be celebrating the Christians' attempt to thwart the killing of Jesus by the Jews. As if he really went up to Heaven, body and all. But that's fine, because as I sit here, choking on this flavorless, dry piece of Matzo, I'll let you all believe that hoax.

Tomorrow, as in the Greek tradition, this Jewish New Yorker will be roasting a lamb, making lemon roasted potatoes, preparing village sausages, a veal stew, Greek orzo and a cheese pie for my pookie's family. I have to tell you though, rat poison is hard to find this time of year. But as always, I have prevailed.

So to all of you hoax believers, a Happy Easter to you and your families!!!!!

And remember, the Jews killed Jesus, even if he allegedly rose three little days later.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

All good things.....

So my ex-husband just got engaged and I thought I would give the lucky groom an engagement gift, you know, a little advice in the hopes of making the nuptials run smoother this time around. So here's my list on how to build a happy, successful marriage.

1. Hitting, shoving, punching, choking, and throwing things at your wife are not the best ways to show affection. Hard to believe, BUT TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

2. Calling your wife a whore, a piece of shit and telling her you miss having sex with other women are not the kind of tender endearments Hallmark is talking about.

3. Secretly taping sex acts on your honeymoon won't go over well with your new bride. I know, it sounds crazy, but really, it's not.

4. If your single, overbearing mother starts to suddenly get sick at all of your major events, i.e. the meeting of the parents, the engagement party, the bridal shower, the wedding, your honeymoon, trips you have planned with your wife, please PLEASE please believe me this time that she's faking it.

5. If you're in the middle of having sex with your new wife on a Saturday afternoon, and your mother calls you repeatedly, over and over and OVER again until you answer the phone in the middle of having sex, maybe this time you should finally tell her that ONE PHONE CALL IS SUFFICIENT AND THAT YOU WILL GET BACK TO HER AFTER YOU AND YOUR WIFE HAVE SHOT YOUR LOADS. Because she did the same thing last week, and the week before, and the week before that, and it's tiring getting it back up.

6. Throwing your wife out of a hotel room with her things, in a foreign country, when she has no money, after hitting her and screaming at her because she asked you not to tell your mom something private (when right there in the hotel room on the phone with your mom, you totally spill the beans AND tell your mom that your wife specifically asked you not to say anything and an argument ensues) might be illegal in that country. This time.

7. If your wife gets home from work two hours after you do, and starts to make dinner and asks you to set the table, asking her "why she can't fucking cook one fucking meal on her fucking own" is not a nice way to start the evening. Oh, and if she kisses your forehead when she comes in, wiping the kiss away in disgust is NOT NICE.

8. Let your wife have contact with her family. Really. They exist, even after you're married, no matter how much you wish they didn't. The Jedi Mind Trick doesn't work here.

9. Make friends outside of your immediate family and let your wife have friends outside of your immediate family. You might have some fun that doesn't involve the telling, re-telling and re-re-telling of family stories.

10. Don't throw your wife out of the car in the middle of a residential area and screech away only to end up at your mother's house. And maybe, just maybe, this time you should advise your mother not to call your seething - WALKING - wife to tell her not to tell anyone in her family about this minor, itty bitty little event. Oh, and while you're at your mom's house, you might also want to refrain from telling your mother every single word your wife has ever uttered to you in total confidence.

I mean, these tips might not be for everyone, but please feel free to pick and choose any ten of the ten above. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!