All good things.....

So my ex-husband just got engaged and I thought I would give the lucky groom an engagement gift, you know, a little advice in the hopes of making the nuptials run smoother this time around. So here's my list on how to build a happy, successful marriage.

1. Hitting, shoving, punching, choking, and throwing things at your wife are not the best ways to show affection. Hard to believe, BUT TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

2. Calling your wife a whore, a piece of shit and telling her you miss having sex with other women are not the kind of tender endearments Hallmark is talking about.

3. Secretly taping sex acts on your honeymoon won't go over well with your new bride. I know, it sounds crazy, but really, it's not.

4. If your single, overbearing mother starts to suddenly get sick at all of your major events, i.e. the meeting of the parents, the engagement party, the bridal shower, the wedding, your honeymoon, trips you have planned with your wife, please PLEASE please believe me this time that she's faking it.

5. If you're in the middle of having sex with your new wife on a Saturday afternoon, and your mother calls you repeatedly, over and over and OVER again until you answer the phone in the middle of having sex, maybe this time you should finally tell her that ONE PHONE CALL IS SUFFICIENT AND THAT YOU WILL GET BACK TO HER AFTER YOU AND YOUR WIFE HAVE SHOT YOUR LOADS. Because she did the same thing last week, and the week before, and the week before that, and it's tiring getting it back up.

6. Throwing your wife out of a hotel room with her things, in a foreign country, when she has no money, after hitting her and screaming at her because she asked you not to tell your mom something private (when right there in the hotel room on the phone with your mom, you totally spill the beans AND tell your mom that your wife specifically asked you not to say anything and an argument ensues) might be illegal in that country. This time.

7. If your wife gets home from work two hours after you do, and starts to make dinner and asks you to set the table, asking her "why she can't fucking cook one fucking meal on her fucking own" is not a nice way to start the evening. Oh, and if she kisses your forehead when she comes in, wiping the kiss away in disgust is NOT NICE.

8. Let your wife have contact with her family. Really. They exist, even after you're married, no matter how much you wish they didn't. The Jedi Mind Trick doesn't work here.

9. Make friends outside of your immediate family and let your wife have friends outside of your immediate family. You might have some fun that doesn't involve the telling, re-telling and re-re-telling of family stories.

10. Don't throw your wife out of the car in the middle of a residential area and screech away only to end up at your mother's house. And maybe, just maybe, this time you should advise your mother not to call your seething - WALKING - wife to tell her not to tell anyone in her family about this minor, itty bitty little event. Oh, and while you're at your mom's house, you might also want to refrain from telling your mother every single word your wife has ever uttered to you in total confidence.

I mean, these tips might not be for everyone, but please feel free to pick and choose any ten of the ten above. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!