Tuesday, October 07, 2008

So NOT the UN

So being an American and living outside of America kinda sucks. I don’t think we’re quite aware of how much the rest of the world hates us.

And I know they always say, “We don’t hate Americans; we hate the government,” but these people are dirty liars. They hate Americans.

I happen to be the only American working on my floor, surrounded by Brits, Canadians and a few Greek mixes. For some reason, these foreigners claim to know more about American life and society than I do, without ever having stepped foot there.

Now, I’m not going to say I support the war or the Bush administration, but I’ll be damned when a bunch of rotten-toothed Brits or chip-on-their-shoulder carrying Canadians are going to tell me about life in the States. I don’t think so.

I used to love the English. I really did. We shared many many things in common (alcohol). But everyday when I come in to work, I am assaulted with a barrage of questions, “Hey, MLIGCS, why don’t Americans know any geography?” “Hey, did you hear how the dollar is plummeting against the pound? Ha ha ha ha hahahaha HA.” “Hey why do you guys call is ‘soccer’?” (N.B. – the word “soccer” originated in Britain).

Or the Canadians, who up until I started working with an office full, I used to tout as the NICEST and most DECENT people on earth. They are not. They have a giant chip on their shoulder at America because they are considered the 51st state by the rest of the world. (Um, not our fault).

They believe all Americans think they live in igloos, tramp around in flannels and keep beavers as pets. They even have a commercial depicting an American guy in a bar acting like a moron asking uneducated and stupid questions about Canada. He ends up getting mauled by a beaver. (Way to defeat that stereotype, guys!!!) Last I checked, American’s couldn’t care less what kind of housing the Canadians used. Hell, live in a tree for all I care. I’ve said as much. Didn’t go over well.

“Why do you guys need to live in such big houses? Why do you all drive those big cars? How come you have so much stuff?” Um, let me think about that for a second. Oh yeah, BECAUSE WE CAN.

Also, America has 300 MILLION people. One country = 300 MILLION. And, it covers 3,794,083 sq. miles (more than TWICE the European Union). Americans are busy living their lives. Of course Europeans all know geography, or maybe sort of? Huh guys? Let’s be honest. Can anyone tell me where Laos is without looking it up? No. But you know where England is, and France, and Belgium and Spain. Way to go. We know where California, Nevada, Texas, Mississippi and Vermont are. Covers about the same square mileage.

And the British even have the nerve to complain that American’s are too nice. Too nice?!?! TOO NICE?!?! “They can’t possibly mean it, can they? With all that flummery about Have a Nice Day and such!” Those bastard Americans! The NERVE to be nice. Unbelievable.

I should try to have an intelligent discussion about the merits and disadvantages of living in any particular country, but it’s not going to work with this particular American-Hating crowd. And besides, it so much more fun to just say, “Yup, we live in unnecessarily big houses, drive great ol’ big cars, and don’t know where your country is because WE DON’T CARE.”

Fucking teachers.


delmer said...

Not long ago I was in Philly at a backgammon tournament featuring an international cast of characters. I was the new guy among a group that mostly knew each other.

As way of introduction I said something like, "I'm from the midwest, I'll likely be the nicest person here. Unless, of course, a Canadian shows up."

"We have a Canadian coming, as a matter of fact," I was told.

Still hoping for the best, I asked, "French Canadian?"

She wasn't. So, I was the second-nicest person there.

(Please excuse the first-time-comment dramatic re-enactment.)

Anonymous said...

Welcome back to your own blog, N. Periodically, I like to check on your progress in the land where men are men, sheep scared, and boy scouts remain anonomous.

And NOW, you have a JOB! The Lord works in mysterious ways!

Just remember to keep all the other ex-pats in line, and teach them the true meaning of being an American -- spelling is irrelevant, as long as your nu-cue-laar (thanks, George) weapons are pointed at the varments.

Your former wee med roomie,


Bongi said...

america is too distant to really hate, but when bush goes off invading etc, we think back to when the previous super power invaded us. remote to you, but not to us. and the similarity is astounding. and maybe we do hate americans.

iraqis surely must.

Anonymous said...

The British are still upset that they lost their empire. The Canadians..., well, they live in Canada, which as everyone knows, is America's hat.

The dollar getting pummelled does have an upside. It's slowing the rate of outsourcing to India.

Life goes on...

Alice in Wonderland said...

Amen. Europe (well, really just France and England mostly) hate our guts. But that's just penis envy. Sucks when your super-power days are over. And have been for a very long time. And you need another country to bail you out of world wars.

Canadians, on the other hand, have never been anywhere near super-power ranking...except geographically. They're such passive aggressive fake-ass bitches. They're so nice when they're in the States, surrounded by Americans. But then when they go back to their economically-inferior land they talk shit about us. It's kind of like the butler and the maid getting together after hours at the local pub to talk shit about their rich-ass-just-bought-another-Porsche masters.

When you're on top, all the has-been's and never-will-be's hate on you.

Message to Europeans and Canadians: try something original, like acknowledging your place in the world and sucking it up. Let it go. If you need to feel superior, take it out on Micronesia. Compared to them, even Canada looks like a world super power.

(Sorry about this long rant...this post just really touched a nerve...that has been long frayed by the grating rudeness of Europeans and Canadians)

mandie said...

just found your blog (i am an about-to-be-divorced 32-year-old lawyer -- you can see the appeal)...i laughed out loud as i read "clearly related." keep up the good work! :-)

hansker said...

Alice in Wonderland,
It must be great to be so firmly stuck in your own ass! Surely, you must be kidding. Either that or you are really, pathetically ignorant. The Europeans needed the US to bail them out of world wars?! Get a clue, dear. The Russians won WWII. Without them, I dread to think what the "super powerful" US would be like today! Again, the US teaches their children to be so utterly ethnocentric that it makes everyone else want to vomit. I speak as a British national and can only say, hey, thanks for dragging us into that ridiculous war in the Middle East! Oh, but should we now come to you guys, cap in hand, to ask for you to bail us out (again, according to you)? I don't think George W. would be too happy about that, considering he was the idiot that decided to go running into Iraq & Afghanistan in the first place. Grow up, learn to read and when you do master that skill, I would recommend, "Dick & Jane learn all about History, Part 1". It might be spelled out in very short, simplistic sentences for you. We wouldn't want you to get too confused. Jeez!

Anonymous said...

Message to Alice In Wonderland: shut the fuck up.

As Hansker pointed out, it's obvious you are clueless when it comes to history (those seterotypes about Americans do come from somewhere!). I also take issue with "economically inferior" Canada comment- maybe it's nor so hot, but are you aware of the current state of the American economy right now? And, while we're on the subject, most of the world agrees that America has lost its status as a superpower. Economically, there's this place called CHINA (feel free to pause and get a map), and though America may have the military might, you may have noticed that Bush's venture into Afghanistan and Iraq has been a TOTAL FUCKING FAILURE.

Wake up.

Anonymous said...

The chip on my Canadian shoulder is not because "the rest of the world" thinks of us as the 51st state. It's because Americans do.

Big Kahuna said...

Lots of anger here.

I am glad to see MLIGCS has not lost her ability to bring a rise out of the world population

welcome back!