I don't know how some of you feel about baby talk, but I know how you should feel. You should hate it, and find it revolting. Because it is.
I can't stand baby talk. I think it's ridiculous. It should be relegated to three year old girls in pink dresses holding teddy bears who haven't been able to master full sentences and enunciation yet. After that point, it should be beaten out of anyone that tries to use it. With the buckle end of the belt.
Grown women and MOST IMPORTANTLY MEN OF ANY AGE should never partake in baby talk. At no time ever.
I've heard grown women, (and by grown women I mean anyone who can dress herself) baby talk to their fathers and boyfriends. I almost fell over. This perfectly articulate woman will get her father or boyfriend on the phone, and suddenly morph into some cloying, childish idiot, speaking in a saccharine sweet voice twelve octaves higher than normal. What circle of hell have I just fallen into?
And people who baby talk to babies and address them in the third-person. Are you kidding me?! "Does Dougy Wougy wanna go outsidey widey?" Oh my god. That, THAT is child abuse. The child might as well be raised by apes in the Bronx zoo. What's the difference at this point.
And the worst, WORST, WORST!!!!!! is when a grown man baby talks. What are you doing?! What is that?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
You might think I feel this way because I'm a heartless bitter bitch. Well, it's actually because I'm an adult that can communicate thoughts and ideas at a level not relegated to people who are still getting their asses wiped by their parents.
Men should never baby talk to a woman. It is not attractive, it is not cute, it is not tender. It is annoying and emasculating. Get a hold of yourself man. Women do not swoon over a man who wants to know if she wants another bitey witey of the dessert. Put the forky worky down before I stab you with it in the necky wecky. Baby-talking jackass.
7 comments:
Preach it sista!
Oh my gosh! That is the funniest and most true thing I've read yet!! Thank you so much for posting this!! I really needed a good laugh today.
oh i love that quote from when harry met sally!!!
i hate baby talk in all its instances. there's never an excuse for its existence!
it's nauseating, yes. but nora ephron references are not.
well played.
You have a way with words that thrills me to the core of my very being.
Clearly no parents here then! True, baby talk is rather obnoxious. At least I always thought so when my friends were doing it to their kids. But when I had my own children, I found that I naturally slipped into the world of "how's my little angel faced, munchkin, boo boo bear doing?". It kind of creeped me out, but then you get used to it. Plus, thinking about it now, I still sort of get my way with my Dad by using baby talk. Embarrassing, perhaps, but it's a very useful tool in the art of manipulation. But with men who are not related to you, I would suggest being sexually explicit is the best way in getting what you want from them. But, I'm sure you already knew that.
i'm going to assume that your choice of names had NOTHING to do with me, right? just an arbitrary selection???
and why is it worse for men? double standards are not good. very sexist. but then again, what's wrong with being sexy?
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