Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Sleeping Beauty

I have decided that the reason my boyfriend can go into a slumberous, immediate sleep the minute his head hits the pillow during or after a fight is because the XY chromosome is missing that extra extension of the XX chromosome housing the gene that keeps me awake and SEETHING for hours in bed.

Now, it could be any kind of fight; the "Fine." "Fine!" "FINE!" "FIIIIIIINE!!!!!" kind of fight; or the simultaneous screaming "I hate you, you jerk!" "You're a pain in the ass!" "I can't believe I'm actually dating you!" "One more sound out of you, and I'm going to toss you over the balcony!" that ends abruptly into an uncomfortable, charged silence; or the, "You did WHAT?!" "But..I..." "WHAT?!" "Oh YEAH? Well what about the time you..." "Don't you even bring that up. That has nothing to do with this!" "Yes it does!" "Shut up." "You shut up." "No, you shut up." "No, you." "Aaaaggggghhhhhhhhh!"

It could be any type of fight and yet within mere seconds I hear the steady, rhythmic sound of his breathing. Now I don't know what the hell, or how the hell, or what adolescent boys who are trapped in the bodies of grown men dream about, be it race cars, or porn stars, or tools or whatever, BUT I AM NOT FINISHED WITH THIS FIGHT.

I'm tossing, I'm turning, I'm flopping around, deep sighs, staring at the ceiling, staring evil thoughts into the back of his head. I get up, get some water, come back, make a rucus. Nothing.

If I thought it would do anything, (like startle him awake or scare him or even just piss him off), I'd hit him in the head with the pillow while he slept. But really, the results of trying to reason with him while conscious or comatose are the same. So why even bother. Jerk.

7 comments:

running42k said...

Just talk to him while he sleeps. It worked on the Flintstones.

Stacie said...

Oh That shit just pisses me off. Here's what I do...I get a string.. a piece of thread, a length of yarn, whatever....and I run it up and down his arm or across his face while he sleeps. It amuses me and simmers my wrath to watch him hit his face and arm trying to brush away the "spider" in his sleep. It amuses me for hours while he sleeps. On the rare occasion he wakes up, I pretend to be sleeping peacefully without a care in the world.
Yeah, I'm a bitch like that.....

Hannah said...

The ol' school tricks are the best. Toothpaste on the eyebrows, hand in a bowl of warm water, etc.

He'll not fall asleep without finishing a fight again.

B said...

Maybe he's able to fall asleep because he has the moral high ground, a clean conscience... whereas, deep down, you know that whatever it is you were fighting about, you were wrong.

Anonymous said...

NANCY , WHEN R WE GOING OUT?

occasionalconfusion said...

Pluck a hair at a time, that should be painful after a while:-)

Chris said...

Andy Andrews does a whole bit on that in his Seven Decisions DVD. You should check it out the next time it is on PBS or buy it.

I think it was on the section on forgiveness, but he basically talks about how our being angry and awake has NO effect on the target of our anger. It only is affecting me.