There is a difference between commitment and monogamy.
Generally, women assume that once a man is willing to be monogamous, he is also willing to commit to a relationship. ("Relationship" meaning the girl definition, you know, sharing, affection, vulnerability, emotional availability, unicorns, rainbows and all that crap.) The two concepts become interchangeable in a woman's mind. God knows, monogamy is hard enough, and in a city like New York, it's virtually impossible. (Let's just say I'm happy I'm not a man, because I'd probably try to stick it into anything that made it hard. Well, there's a lot of eye candy here folks.) But relationships are even harder.
But some men don't necessarily see it that way. There is a breed of man that believes having one sexual partner is preferable to having to go out nights with the boys and try to score some ass. It's easy, it's fun, and over time, he can build a really great physical relationship because of the comfort levels he achieves. He's the emotionally unavailable guy, the one who will call you his girlfriend, or the girl he's dating, but that doesn't necessarily mean he is committed to a "relationship."
Basically, from what I've heard from my girlfriends whining about "We're not sleeping with other people, but I don't feel like I'm one of his priorities" and my guy friends "she's fucking driving me crazy with all this 'we need to talk more and discuss our feelings' shit" a lot of relationships are not where the people in them think they are.
I know that men have feelings. And I even believe that once a man falls in love, really in love, he probably feels deeper than the woman. But, generally, it takes longer for men to be emotionally vulnerable, if they become so at all. And it's usually pretty easy for a woman to become emotionally vulnerable, especially if she's in a monogamous "relationship."
Lately, the way I've seen women break out of these "relationships" is by meeting someone else that provides them with some form of emotional support or caring that is lacking in their current "relationship." Not that these women are cheating, they're not intentionally going out to meet someone else because, obviously, they think they're in a real "relationship." But what seems to be happening is that they are meeting men through work or mutual friends, and some sort of friendship blossoms, or some sort of attraction develops.
This just happened to a good friend of mine. She had been dating her boyfriend for two years. And he seemed nice enough, friendly enough, a good drinking buddy, but he didn't seem like a good boyfriend. When her uncle was diagnosed with cancer, he totally understood that she couldn't make it to his buddy's birthday party, but he went anyway. Or the fact that he didn't really call or talk to her more than once or twice a week, but would make plans for the weekend, because he knew that's when he'd get some. But then again, who the hell am I to judge, I married the anti-Christ. So I just kept my mouth shut as long as she seemed happy.
And then she met one of my best friends. One of the best men on earth. With the potential to be the Most Amazing Boyfriend Ever. And they became "friends." Because their attraction was clearly more than just friends, but neither one was about to do anything immoral. The closer they got, the more my girlfriend realized that the emotional fulfillment she was getting from my best friend was something she had never gotten from her oh-so-mediocre boyfriend.
It was clear that although he was monogamous, he really wasn't committed to the relationship in any way. (They recently broke up, and I'm being super cheer-leader trying to get her and my best friend together, into a real "relationship").
It's something I've encountered in some of my own relationships, and it's hard to be able to differentiate between what I think is a relationship and what he feels is just monogamy. The difficulty is ascertaining what's really going on. And sometimes, you just don't know what you're missing until someone or something else shows it to you.
Or you can just do what I do: Date every wack-job within a fifty-mile radius, just to make sure you've given everyone a fighting chance to mess with your head as you whittle down the numbers. Sounds about right.
9 comments:
Why is it always easier to see what other people need in their lives, than what we need in our own?
I must be strange. I am totally monogamous and have a fabulous "relationship" with my wife.You can even ask her. But I also enjoy having relationships with lots of other women. I find women more interesting. Kind of like your best friend. I was a teacher and worked with women my entire adult life. That's how I met my wife, actually. I think the reason I find women more interesting is because of how you describe these men in and out of your life. A lot of just dicks out there, huh? I find it pretty boring too.
Ummmm...you say that you know that men have feelings? Are you sure?????????
That's totally my bf :( Best one so far, I didn't have a ride/bus/any way of getting to where they were going out, and he didn't even think of offering a ride. Went anyway, left me home alone. And then they really don't understand why we become upset, to them it's no big deal. Then the relationship falls apart due to total lack of emotional - or any, for that matter - support. And then they claim they can't get over you for the next year. BS, I say...
The 50-mile radius option seems a bit tough, but it's good that you're up for the challenge.
I think this goes equally for a lot of married people as well. They just didn't see the obvious before walking down the aisle.
yikes! I've only covered men within a 20 mile radius and I'm exhausted!!
Good luck!
Here's my thinking: if we can learn about the universe's beginnings with telescopes and proton accelerators, if we can invent flavored condoms and edible underwear, then we can sure as shit figure this out.
Let's not throw up our hands in despair or read books like "Women are from Oprah, Men are from football."
As we all know, our brilliant government has invented the color-coded terror warning levels, which has made our country, our way of life, totally safe for ever and ever.
So let's just use that idea with male/female relationships. Eveyrone has an emotional availability level graph. For guys, for example, red would be "I think of my mother while having sex with you." For women, for example, yellow would be "I'll have sex with you on the third date, but I get to call you whenever I want, especially on Guy's Night Out, and you have to pay attention to the conversation for at least 15 minutes."
That way, there's no confusion.
I like your way of thinking.
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