To My Dear Waxing Lady Who Happens to be Related to My Ex-Husband's New Girlfriend,

You and I have had a long and intimate relationship for about 15 years now. And I truly appreciate the hard work and effort you put in to rid me of my excess body hair. I even look forward to our little gossip sessions as you bend my leg back behind my ear to get nice and deep into my bikini line. Seriously, giving someone a Brazilian creates a certain bond, for sure.

But in all honesty, and not meaning any offense whatsoever, I really REALLY don't need to hear how my cheap, mother-fucking wife-beating ex-husband is wining and dining your relative at the trendiest and most expensive restaurants in town. Or how he spoils her with gifts, or how he's considered the most handsome young man in our community.

I don't appreciate being told that although people have warned her about him, his handsome good looks, charm, and expensive sports car are slowly but surely winning her over. (Being on Satan's payroll pays quite well, in case you were wondering.)

Yes, I remember the good-old days, when he was so charming, he threw me out of that expensive sports car in the middle of a residential area and went running to his mommy's house because he lost his temper at someone else, and I was trying to calm him down. Or the loving way he used to proclaim that he missed having sex with other women, even though I was always more than eager. Or the adorable little gifts he used to give me, like a punch or two in the arm because I was too tired to go out to dinner with his mommy when he made plans for us without talking to me first. Or that totally hysterical time on our honeymoon when he hid the video camera in the corner of our hotel room and secretly taped us having sex. Isn't he just precious?

Now I know that I'm the one that left him, and, believe it or not, I don't regret it for even one second. But, I also don't need to hear how one of the lowest life forms on earth is managing to get by just fine and living large, irrespective of how tired his one working neuron probably is.

So although I understand that you're probably imparting this information as a means of "keeping me in the loop" and saving me from any upsetting surprises, I think we should really stick to the topic of exfoliating, and maybe in-grown hairs. There should really be only one form of torture when you're getting waxed, so why don't you just give me another Brazilian, and we'll call it a day.

All the best,
My Life is God's Comic Strip