Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Terms of Art

Buyer's Remorse: When someone gives you their phone number or sets up a date and then doesn't answer calls or breaks the date. They regret ever laying eyes on you and wonder what the hell they were thinking.

We're Just Friends: A term of art used by men and women (mostly men) describing someone they used to date but no longer date but would like to continue sleeping with but cannot tell that to the person they are currently sleeping with and therefore need to keep the former paramour around "just in case" while at the same time attempting to make the current paramour feel secure on an illusory level. See also "Recycling."

Recycling: When former members of a couple have sex after the relationship has terminated. The prelude to Recycling is "We're Just Friends."

Friends With Benefits: a situation where a man and woman claim to be "friends" when in reality one of them is in love with the other, but since one member of the friendship doesn't want to get into a relationship, the one in love, in desperation to have whatever contact they can with their love, will agree to sleep with them with no strings attached, even though deep down inside, they miserably yearn for love they have no chance of getting because they've already given up all dignity with this ridiculous farce.

Fuck Buddies: See "Friends With Benefits."

I Just Got Out of a Serious Relationship: when made by a Woman: a rebuff used to imply that a woman finds a man physically and/or morally repugnant and does not want to go out with him.
When made by a Man: a rebuff used to imply that a man does not want to get into a relationship but would not mind sleeping with the woman he is talking to in the hopes of setting up a "Friends With Benefits" scenario. See also, "Fuck Buddies."

I Need to Concentrate on My Career: when made by a Woman: a rebuff used to imply that a woman finds a man so physically and/or morally repugnant that she would rather work as a diver at a sewage depot than go out with the man she is talking to.
When made by a Man: a rebuff used to imply that a man does not want to get into a relationship but would not mind sleeping with the woman he is talking to in the hopes of setting up a "Friends With Benefits" scenario. See also, "Fuck Buddies."

I'm Not Ready for a Serious Relationship: when made by a Woman: a blatant lie straight from the Gates of Hell told by a woman who so desperately wants to get away from the man she's talking to that she'll say just about anything, no matter how utterly preposterous she sounds.
When made by a Man: a rebuff used to imply that a man does not want to get into a relationship but would not mind sleeping with the woman he is talking to in the hopes of setting up a "Friends With Benefits" scenario. See also, "Fuck Buddies."

10 comments:

rev. billy bob gisher ©2008 said...

ooooooooh such cold accuracy.
ever heard of prerecycling?

Sunny said...

This is amazing. So so true!

Anonymous said...

Two patronizing posts in a row. Anyone think she's having her period?

Jess said...

What a brilliant way to start my morning. Most likely all true. Absolutely hysterical.

rev. billy bob gisher ©2008 said...

patronizing? patronizing? screw you i am a total ass 24-7. by the way i liked your comment, especially the part about ragtime. good stuff man. can you come by my place and comment sometime? and your syntax is excellent, spelling simply amazing. and your screen name "Anonymous"
it's so...it's so mysterious. plus it's really good timing for you to be the actual third comment! great stuff! love you! let's do lunch.

Anonymous said...

Are only men hypocrites?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx said...

Um, you forgot one category, that I have inexplicably fallen into. Friends without benefits who buy you dinner, and listen as you talk in explicit detail about what you love to be done to you and how you like it done. The friend without benefits wants to upgrade to receive benefits, but you resist, knowing that you will fall in love with him upon your having your first orgasm.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx said...

I can't wait to see you for dinner tonight by the way...

Unknown said...

Huh. May need to rethink my current Friend With Benefits situation...

rev. billy bob gisher ©2008 said...

no that appears to be a human condition.