Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I only think I live alone

So there was an insect in my bedroom last night. Not a regular bug. Not a little baby bug that you could confuse with a piece of lint, until it starts to move. No. Not like that.

More like a bug that survived Chernobyl. It might have been smoking a cigarette and flipping channels from my bed when I walked in. Something that size owes me rent.

Now, I'm not afraid of mice, or snakes, or rats, or lizards or anything of that type. But I am deathly afraid of insects.

And, I don't kill bugs. First, because I'm afraid to get close enough to do the killing. Who knows, it might jump onto my face, crawl up my nose, and embed itself in my brain, laying eggs and having dinner parties. Second, because I try to avoid the crunch they make when you kill them. Third, because I'm not a fan of the carnage-clean-up. Bug body parts could go everywhere, legs, antennae, a wing or something equally ridiculous could end up inside one of my shoes. Just the IDEA of that makes my head hurt.

Since I live alone, I had to devise a way to deal with this. So, my brilliant McGyver mind has come up with the most genius of plans. I TRAP the bug under a bowl. Preferably clear tupperwear. Hopefully tossing with aim accurate enough from four feet away to land right on top of it. And then, I just wait until it starves to death. I'll leave that bowl there for weeks if I have to. I don't care.

Now I say clear tupperwear because there have been times when I've trapped a bug under something opaque, and when, three weeks later I went to remove the bowl and the carcass, I found nothing NOTHING underneath. Oh. My. God. That just means it's waiting somewhere in a dark recess of my apartment to do the crawl up my nose, eggs, dinner party thing.

I know it sounds cruel to starve an insect to death, especially an insect whose size requires it travel with a valid passport, but then, it's also cruel to stab it with my stiletto. And really, why get bug insides on my pretty stilettos? So now, I have a pet. A pet on death row. I think I'll call him Stanley.

8 comments:

Hannah said...

I'm absolutely with you on that one. I'd be the same if Best Mate weren't here to rescue me from spiders.

I can, however carcinogenic it may be, recommend RAID. Kills 'em dead. Fantastic stuff.

Anonymous said...

I, too, am a fan of the "trap under the bowl" method. Except I then spray Raid on the floor and then carefully slide the bowl on top of the poison. Then the next day, voila, Stanley has crossed over.

OR, just use hairspray on them. It worked for me.

Anonymous said...

this is so funny. I just cracked up laughing
Honey you are the best. Your Greek boyfriend is very lucky-he gets good sex and a sense of humor

Anonymous said...

you could always call office-stalker for help. i'm sure he would have ran over.

20 something said...

hahah! too funny. Why don't you trap it in said bowl and throw it out of the window? Or use my dad's technique of trapping it in an envelope and throwing the envelope away?

Jack Burden said...

They've got these devices, I've seen them in those catalogs they have on airplanes (Sky Mall? Something like that) where it's basically a bug vacuum that allows you stand 3 or 4 feet away and suck the little varmint into a clear chamber... I can't remember if it's a humane thing (aka it doesn't kill the bug) or if there's some kind of bug killer on the inside. Point is, the device is transparent so you can make sure you got the bug, and there's no mess or close contact involved.

carrotpenis said...

Hilarious! I am designated bug killer at our house. I've been trying to train The Boy but he's been resisting the promotion. I also sort of like the crunch sound. My usual means of extermination is a napkin or piece of toilet paper.

Anonymous said...

It's called the bugzooka. It works well except on huge bugs. And no, it doesn't kill the bug. You can take the cap off and whip the 'zooka around wildly till the bug comes whizzing out.