Hee Haw, Missouri sucks hairy moose balls.
The jury ESPECIALLY sucks, and plaintiff's attorney can spend the rest of his life giving them head. And swallowing.
The problem with having trials in bum fuck, where the education is scarce but Hollywood movies with their Hollywood endings proliferate, is that these nice, simple folk, get the wrong idea about the legal system.
Just because the plaintiff is from your hometown, with his "Aw shucks, golly gee wiz, those darn Northerners done come down here and try to take advantage of us nice, hardworking simple folk and they deserve to be punished!!" attitude does not automatically entitle him to win. No really. Good thing there's an appellate system in place. Mr. Hee Haw won't see a dime for a very very long time.
The problem with the case is that it turned into a turf war, having nothing to do with the evidence. Or the lies plaintiff was caught in on the stand. Or the fact that he practically admitted that he concocted the entire thing. So the jury wanted to stick it to the outsiders, those "horrible people up north that don't give a damn about the little guy."
The whole trial was surreal, as if To Kill A Mockingbird was being played out before my eyes. Plaintiff's counsel grandstanding, character witnesses that included plaintiff's eighth-grade bus driver and his preacher. Fifty-eight thousand references to how the plaintiff was "saved" by returning to the church, and how he now lives his life according to Jesus's teachings.
Of course, it was painfully disappointing to have spent two weeks in Hee Haw only to lose. So on Friday, after finding out the verdict, I did what any attorney would do, I started drinking heavily and didn't stop until I got home and passed out in my clothes. Eight vodka rocks, three at the airport, five on the plane. And one lost wallet later.
Saturday morning I crawled to the bank, dark circles of makeup under my eyes, to cancel my accounts and order a new debit card.
"So ma'am, did you say you lost your wallet or it was stolen?"
"Um, I lost it. And would you mind not screaming?" I rasped.
"I'm not screaming ma'am."
"Oh."
7 comments:
aw man, i am sorry for your frustration, but i have to admit, i enjoyed reading about it because your ranting was so well written. great work. even if the case didn't turn out well it provided some blog fodder.
AT LEAST you are a good looser!
I'm actually a very good LOOSER, but a really bad LOSER. If you're going to make fun of me anonymously, at least make sure you're doing it intelligently.
I'm from Missouri. We're not all that bad.
BH
I've mostly enjoyed reading your BLOG, but I think your characterization of Missouri is a little harsh. It's true that most stereotypes have at least some basis in fact, but blind perpetuation of them doesn’t accomplish much. I’m certain that your visit was flavored by your direct experiences but I assure you that there is a wealth of culture, art, architecture (and food) that holds up well compared to other cities. There is much that has been produced by Missouri that I am not proud of (John Ashcroft) but much that I am (award winning wines). If you should ever find yourself in the St. Louis region, I would be more than happy to show you a better side to Missouri than what you have obviously experienced.
Peace,
P. Del Ricci - Dark Glass
Aw, man. Sorry to hear...
So, is an appeal out of the question? :)
Post a Comment