Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Greetings from Bum-Fuck

I’m in Missouri, or as they like to call it here, Missour-ah. I will be in Missour-ah until Labor Day weekend for a trial. Don’t be jealous, it’s not attractive. I’m actually not only in Missour-ah, but I’m in one of the deepest darkest corners of the “Show Me” State (Show me what? I have no idea because in all honesty, there’s NOTHING here I want to see).

For some reason, everyone keeps asking if I’m from New York, even though I’ve tried my gosh golly darndest to be as sweet and nice as peach pie. I haven’t lost my temper once and I haven’t even rushed anyone to move faster than their regular speed of neutral bordering on reverse.

Scenes from My Cousin Vinny keep flashing across my mind, and I live in constant fear while I drive with the radio on and the windows down that some state trooper is going to pull me over, confiscate my CD, chuck me under the chin with my driver’s license and tell me “there’s no dancin’ in these here parts. Preacher don’t allow it.”

Some older gentleman near the courthouse leaned in real close yesterday, leering and asked, after winking at me, whether I was Indian. I wasn’t sure if he meant dots or feathers, but I just skee-dadled away from him as fast as my stilettos allowed.

Being of Middle Eastern descent, I contemplated lying and telling everyone I was I-talian before coming here. But something about lying about my background bothers me. This is still America, after all. So I lied and told him I was Israeli, close enough, but not as inflammatory as the real deal. He made some weird ooooo-ing sound and has left me alone since.

Missour-ah is not that bad. Everybody is real friendly, and the truck to person ratio is about 3 to 1. I’m off to decide which fine dining establishment I want to eat at tonight, this will probably be my hardest decision of the day. Hhhhmmm, Olive Garden, Outback Steakhouse…..Fuck it, I’ll splurge and order pizza. Can’t go wrong with pizza. It’s like sex, even when it’s bad, it’s still kinda good.

20 comments:

Neil said...

Just be careful not to ask for "a side of hummus" at the Olive Garden. They might get suspicious.

Spawn said...

A: "the two youts..."
B: "the two whats?"
A: "the two YOOUUUTTTTS"

It could be worse...you could be in hell...no wait thats me living with mom for a week. Psh you were always the luckier sister.

The Devil said...

Um, perhaps I am off here kiddo, but those men leaning in.. they were checking out your tits. I mean, they are spectacular. In fact, it is shit like that I was commenting on in my blog today, which I am sure you read. It is breasts like yours that create a gross inquity in this world. Are you Indian" Please. Unless "Are you Indian" in Missourian translates to "I want to lose my face in their until jury selection is over." Miss ya pookie. Speak to you when you get back.

The Devil said...

You can read my breast related diatribe and other random musings at www.theidlemind.blogspot.com. And now a word from Dockers: "If you are not wearing Dockers, you are just wearing pants. And, if you are not wearing pants, please step away from the horse, Mr. Quigley."

nutty said...

Hmmm, I'm not so sure about the lying thing. Seem kind of sad. But I guess if it saves your trouble?

Rebecca said...

Am I the only fellow New Yorker that is appalled at the thought of you getting pizza in Missour-ah?! That's a sin! (No, I'm not I-talian!) Hope the trial makes the trip interesting!

VI said...

I live in the state and I say Missour-e.

Don't hate us.
What you've described is not everyone who lives here.

katiescarlet said...

I lived in the state for many years, I called it "misery"

Aimless said...

Well, MLIGCS . . . maybe this is your wake-up call to enable Blogger's new anti-comment-spam feature, word verification. I mean, unless you WANT imported adult sex toys and a perfect income system. Hmmmm, come to think of it, who doesn't?

You sure get more exciting comment spam than I do - mine focus on glucosamine, chondroitin, Viagra, and Rainbow Vacuum systems. That's right - geezer spam. Could anything be more depressing?

irish1994 said...

Typical New Yorker, thinks everywhere but NYC sucks.

And, by the way, the bad sex cliche only applies if you are male, which, judging by the description of the leering, you are not.

My Life Is God's Comic Strip said...

Dear Irish1994,
I don't think everywhere but NYC sucks, I happen to think this hole-in-the wall town I'm in for two weeks, where someone has ALREADY commented that the "gays" are starting to take over the world that the "Jews" already control, sucks.

And the sex cliche does not only apply to men. But then again, you would have had to have sex with a woman to know that, so I forgive you.

Duane said...

Welcome to Misery. The Israeli idea was a VERY good call...

Amanda said...

oh my god...you had my at the footloose reference...i knew exactly what you were talking about when you refered to the driver's license/chin incident. LOVE IT. thank you!

Fuzzball said...

*hugging MLIGCS*

You are such a hoot, girl :)

Spring said...

I don't know, I always thought Missouri was pretty. Then again, I live maybe an hour away from there, so I'm probably biased. Luckily, I'm in a college town, so it's fairly liberal. Those small towns can be a little scary no matter which state you're in. (And, on the flip side, sometimes we totally make some bad judgement calls on those little towns. Many times, there are some decent folks there.)

Enjoy your trip!

Stacie said...

I absolutely love your blog. It cracks me up. I am pretty new to the whole thing, so I hope you don't mind, but I have tagged you. Not really sure how it works I guess you have to go to my blog to get the tag. Anyway. Can't wait to see your next post and hope your case goes well. Stacie

Busted Flip Flop said...

hhhmm pizza in Missouri? How'd that taste? What the hell is in Missouri other than...well shit really what the hell is there??

Jack Burden said...

Yeah, but bad pizza can only follow you around for a few days whereas bad sex...

Eh, fuckit, that was a great little turn of phrase there. Ignore my critique.

As far as Missouri is concerned, well, yeah, it sucks, but hey, they're the state that voted a dead guy into the Senate over Ashcroft, so they can't be all bad.

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