One of the problems with being Jewish is our obsession with personal resumes. Is the person you're dating good on paper? Is the person they want you to go out with good on paper?
Start with the all important number one question that should be asked and answered in the affirmative, before you pass Go, before you collect $200, Are they Jewish. Check.
You can then move on to:
Educated. Check.
- Ivy League. Secret bonus check.
Doctor or Lawyer. Check.
- Medical or law student. Possible future check once they pass the boards or the bar.
CPA, podiatrist or real estate broker. Half a check.
Writer, artist, or teacher. You lose a previously awarded check.
- Writer with published books and steady income, artist with paintings in galleries with steady income, teacher who happens to be independently wealthy - check reinstated.
Comes from a good family. Check.
Comes from a ridiculously wealthy family. Secret bonus check-check.
Is a good boy (translation - you'll be having sex in the missionary position for the rest of your life...May God have mercy on you). Check.
Is a good girl (translation - kiss blow-jobs goodbye..You might as well just kill yourself now). Check.
Usually, parents don't understand why people with equally good resumes who go through the interview process (i.e., dating) don't just get along, fall madly in love, and get married already.
The problem is the intangible that isn't accounted for. That spark that makes you want to sit with them on your couch all day watching movies, having sex, ordering pizza and ignoring all incoming calls all the while, feeling completely content and happy.
I met two different men on my trip to Greece this summer, one that happens to be pretty perfect on paper, one that is not. And of course, in typical fashion, I fall madly for the one that is not. Neither one lives anywhere near me, because really, there are over 2 million eligible men in New York and I've already dated 1,999,996 of them.
Bachelor Number One is Jewish (Check - here's your $200, you may proceed); educated, graduating first in his medical school class and receiving an award from the President of his country (Check. Check-check). Comes from an amazingly good family comprised of wealthy, educated professionals with medical degrees and/or PhD's (Women and men included) (Check, check). Extra-curricular activities include: deep sea diving in the Maldives, rock-climbing in the Alps, visiting the rain forests in Costa Rica, and heli-skiing in Canada. He has his own practice, is the youngest University Professor in his country, and is the youngest professional lecturer on his medical specialty. (He is invited to lecture anywhere from one to five times a month all over the world).
He is 5'11", blue eyes, blond hair, with a receding hairline, small bald spot, and an athletic build. And he dresses better than any man I have ever seen. Conversation with him is shallow, making any kind of emotional connection difficult, and the thought of having sex with him makes me shudder. Literally. But overall, he is a nice guy, with very honorable intentions.
Bachelor Number Two is NOT Jewish (GO TO JAIL. GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200). Is an Engineer (HEY, where are you going?!), comes from a highly educated family comprised of professionals (doctors, lawyers, engineers - including ALL extended family) (Get back here, you don't have authority to move forward!), is independently wealthy (Wait a minute, did you say independently wealthy?), is NOT a good boy (Check for me!!! Yay!!!) and all we want to do is hang out doing nothing.
My poor mother, I felt so bad telling her. But she was surprisingly supportive. She just "wants me to be happy." She's betting Bachelor Number Two will go the way of most of my relationships, straight into the gutter. Crash and burn, baby. What she doesn't realize is that all those other relationships ended because the guys were good on paper. Now that there's someone not good on paper, he HAS to be the one I end up with. Any other scenario would just make too much sense.
8 comments:
you fuckin jewish whore is really boring, u shouldn't put ur fukin boring life on the internet, who gives a fuk bout it.
Wow, what a really fascinating comment el cantor had. I really do wonder how he managed to type so well with his head so far up his own arse.
If I could be a bit cheeky I'd like to rate myself using your system.
Hmmm...non-Jewish, verging on insolvency, just handed notice in to concentrate on my studies to be a therapist, first in my extended family to go to uni....and then dropped out halfway through, redhead.....is there a Jewish parent equivalent of Guantanamo Bay? I think I probably qualify.
el cantor before you decide to leave comments you might want to grab hold of a dictionary, or Hooked-on-Phonics because you are F-U-C-K-I-N-G R-E-T-A-R-D-E-D.
I was laughing out loud reading this. So so so true!
Love your blog! You make me laugh every single time I come here! Its always the guys who are not good on paper that are the "ONE" Eventually Mom will come around...? Good luck! Stacie
Rico Torro,
I appreciate your words and advice. You are totally correct, and although I don't blog about it, my family was on welfare when my dad cleaned out our bank accounts and left three young girls and my young mother to fend for ourselves. I've been working since I was 14, put myself through school, and now I make the six figure income (I buy the steak dinner...). So those lessons were learned the hard way, and I try to carry them forward and apply them to the people I meet and surround myself with.
amen to that sister, and thanks for the steak dinner!
If you can buy the steak dinner (i.e., you are financially secure), why not just focus on being happy? There is no substitute for that.
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