Monday, May 09, 2005

Dating Advice From the Happily Married

My best friend has helped me devise a way to weed through the gagillion emails I've gotten on the dating site:

I think you should create a stock response. Maybe with a questionnaire... actually let's make it a contest. Oooh... I'm liking this.

Round I
1) What is your favorite movie quote and why?
2) What kind of shoes are you wearing right now?
3) I have a hangover, what do you recommend?
4) We go away on romantic vacation to a beautiful, secluded spot. After lounging on our private beach for the day, we return to our bungalow and the butler tells you that your mother has called and would like you to call her back. What do you do? (this is a trick question - most points for "that's impossible, I wouldn't give my mother the number").

Based on the number of responses we could narrow it down to the top 10, have a second round, and then the top 3 get dates.

Round II
1) Write a haiku about your last relationship. (This is another semi-trick question. The grading, on a 1-10 scale would go something like this.)
0 points - they don't get the 5-7-5 right.... or any haiku such as the following: the wheel of romance, all I have left are pictures, my russian jackpot (what my ex used to call his ex-girlfriend while we were married)
1-7 points - any haiku about a past relationship
8-10 points - any haiku denying that there were any past relationships, 10 points if they compliment you as well
2) A person dies, and arrives at the gate to heaven. There are three doors - one of them leads to heaven, another one leads to a 1-day stay at hell, and then back to the gate, and the other leads to a 2-day stay at hell, and then back to the gate. Every time the person is back at the gate, the three doors are reshuffled. How long will it take the person to reach heaven?
Scoring should be based upon accurately answering the question (5 points) plus relevant religious musings (5 points).

This is the same great friend that used to console me when I would complain that I'm going to be single forever, by pointing out that actually one day I'm going to die.


spawn of satan said...

hahahaha i heart ur best friend. if it were me i wouldnt even go as far as to ask such clever questions. I would just make sure the applicant could spell their name correctly and show that they could communicate in english with ease. thats enough for meeee

hugs and kisses bigger little sister

dom said...

LOL Great post ! Obviously my butler is writing this response.

Clublint said...

Damn I could have done with this 16 years ago before I hooked up with my loser husband!

He can't even say Haiku. I could have been saved...


Anonymous Me said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous Me said...

Haiku about my ex:

We shared a trailer,
'Til the cyclone came calling.
Where are you, Miss Gulch?

Ms. Charisma said...

"actually, one day, you're going to die"?! Wow, and I thought quoted Franklin on "the only things certain in life are death and taxes" sounded terrible.

Anonymous said...

Only a loser would put up with all this, though; if you need a formula, you may as well give up now.

Neil said...

As funny as this is, I think it's better than the usual ways of finding out about someone. Learning about someone's favorite book or that they like to walk on the beach isn't the important info to keep a relationship going. But a woman that can cure a hangover or write a good haiku -- that's impressive!

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