Thursday, May 26, 2005

What Lawyers Really Do

So one of our new clients happens to have a crush on the Ambassador to Evil. She's a matrimonial client, meaning, she's getting a divorce. She met the Ambassador because they share the same trainer. She's one of those wealthy women, manicured, coiffed, with, um, how shall I put this delicately.....some enhancements done to certain body parts. She's also Middle Eastern, like me. The Ambassador is extremely successful in his career and is a devoted family man. He is probably the most handsome attorney at this firm with a terrifyingly sharp wit. He is affable, good natured and really afraid of what I might say or do next to either torture him or violate firm policy.

Her flirting makes him uncomfortable, mainly because he knows that the beatings she claims to have suffered at the hands of her husband are nothing compared to the beat down she would get from Mrs. Ambassador. Clearly a woman to be reckoned with.

I was showing the new client out of the firm after a meeting when she asked whether the Ambassador was in so she could say hi. Yeah, say hi. Of course, I took her straight to his office, because any discomfort he feels is clearly pure entertainment for me.

The minute he came into view, her entire demeanor changed into that of a sixteen year old girl talking to the high school quarterback. I think she even twirled her hair around a finger. She leaned into his door post, sing-songed hello in her sexy Middle Eastern accent, how are you, just stopped by to say hi, to him. And he looked over her head at me, his eyes boring laser beams into my head because he knew I brought her over for my own entertainment. He turned red, answered her politely, but in a very curt, business-like manner and we left.

I came back to his office, and he stood there, shaking his head.

"What's the matter my little chickpea?" I asked him in my best Middle Eastern accent.
"Are you sad to see your little pita leave?"

I then draped myself around his door post, "Hello Ambassador, I just stopped by to say hello. Do you want to taste my babaganoosh? It's the best in town."

"GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!"

I love my job.

20 comments:

GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

That was hilarious - and made me laugh. My office thinks Babba Ganoush should be a superhero.

Kiki said...

the more I read, the more I like the way your mind works. Great post!

Layne said...

You made my night! Poor boss. Well...not really.

Anonymous said...

You are Evil. *awed* And I love it! Oh, and hi. I've been lurking around your blog for a couple of days, and you never disappoint.

-Rae

Abby Taylor said...

How have I not found your blog before? Good stuff. And thanks for linking to falafel sex!

I'll be back for sure.

Best,
Abby

John said...

*snarf*
That is true evil. I love it!!!!!!

GQ1NYC said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GQ1NYC said...

Isn't it great when you can fuck with people and get away with it? I love to mess with people at the office (see my post on coffin breath) and I get my fair share of it. We have two awards in the office, the Go getter award for those who kick ass in a given week, and we have the SMF award the Stupid Mother Fucker award for the person who did so to deserve it. It’s a cone wrapped in a paper that reads SMF of the week and features a confused Michael Jackson photo. It's the greatest and your in deep shit if it's on your desk.

LJ said...

I love it! You definitely have an evil streak. Good stuff. That's like the kind of thing I do to my boss. In fact, I think I should go pester him now....

Anonymous Me said...

You fucking SLAY me . . .

Jack Burden said...

Bosses are meant to be tortured. Otherwise, why would they make more money?

To be honest, though, I have to say that any boss that puts up with such torture has got to be pretty cool.

Rebecca said...

Thanks for the laugh!

carrotpenis said...

Do you have an evil laugh that you do when plotting such episodes?

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