Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Rules of Engagement for the On-Line Dating Impaired

1. Do not send me four charming and flattering emails, get my number, and then NOT call.

2. Do not use LOL in any communication with me. If you write LOL after something you've written, it makes what might have been funny NOT FUNNY AT ALL. I am not a studio audience that needs to be told when to laugh.

3. If you ask me out on a date, don't tell me you only want to meet for 20 minutes because "you've been on so many of these and you'd rather not waste your time if there's no chemistry." First of all, NO ONE has been on more dates than me. Second, if you can't spend an hour or two getting to know someone you've gone out of your way to meet on-line, then you're a narcissistic douchebag who doesn't deserve even one minute of my time, much less 20.

4. Do not send me more than one email. If I don't respond to your first email, the rest of them trying to cajole me into talking to you only make you seem like the psycho stalker you probably are.

5. Do not contact me if you don't have a picture of yourself posted in your profile. If you offer to send me one, and then I don't respond, now we both suck. You because you're ugly, me because I come across as a shallow bitch. Just post your ugly picture to begin with, so that you can get ignored like everyone else.

6. Do not have misspellings or incorrect grammar in your profile. You sound stupid.

7. Do not send me one sentence, grammatically incorrect emails like "your hott" or "How're ya doin hot stuff." By the way, "ya" is NOT a word.

8. Do not contact me if you're old enough to be my father.

9. Do not contact me if I'm old enough to have been your baby sitter.

10. Do not contact me if you live more than an hour away. I don't care how often you come to New York, I'm not a goddamn tour guide and I'm NOT going to be your booty call while you're in town.

11. Do not write about how handsome or good looking you are in your profile. That's what the picture is for. If you need to say you're good looking, you're probably not.

12. Do not write cliche lines like, "looking for a partner in crime", "I work hard and play hard", "I like a night on the town and I like a quiet night at home", "I like to take advantage of all this City has to offer." Not only do you sound stupid (see #6) you also sound like you have the personality of a wet paper towel.

13. Do not talk about your mother in your profile. (This should be self-explanatory).

14. Do not expect me to sleep with you on the first date. Lawyer does not mean HOOKER. (contrary to what you may have heard)

15. And most importantly, don't lie in your profile about your marital status, your child-having status, your level of education or anything that I can find out about you by doing a search on the wide variety of legal databases available to me. Dumbass.

31 comments:

mrsmogul said...

hey there! love new york bloggers! I am NY gal living abroad for now. Surfed through BE

Jatser said...

How you doing, hot stuff (LOL). Just kidding.

Anonymous Me said...

Can I just say how much I love it when someone uses the word 'douchebag' in print? I especially love that you don't hyphenate it.

Terry said...

I've been reading you for a little while now and I think you're hilarious. I blogrolled you too. Good luck with the search!

Blueyes said...

most of these are soo true...I'm going throught this same hell :/

carrotpenis said...

Would you be willing to date a guy that wears a pinkie ring or cheesy gold jewelry like a gaudy Star of David or perhaps a bull's horn. You are living in NY after all. If not you might want to toss that in there for good measure.

Fuzzball said...

I love this. LOVE IT! ;)

wannabe_ceo said...

Great list!

london cokehead said...

I always thought LOL meant ( lots of love ) ...

Now that explains a few things

Doh !!!!!

Jack Burden said...

Great post. It's always interesting to get a woman's perspective on online dating because a) comparing myself to the monosyllabic horndogs that every women seems to deal with makes me feel better about myself (the monosyllabic part) and b) 9 out of 10 online dating situations suck, and it's nice to see that this misery isn't gender specific.

One other thing I'd add to your Rules of Engagement: If you get a "Thanks but no thanks" message, understand that the person was just being polite and you should NEVER EVER send them follow up messages that ask "Can you tell me what I did wrong, is it my profile, my emails, etc." It adds the air of desparation to the whole thing, and that's air I've got to breath, too.

Jack Burden said...

Great post. It's always interesting to get a woman's perspective on online dating because a) comparing myself to the monosyllabic horndogs that every women seems to deal with makes me feel better about myself (the monosyllabic part) and b) 9 out of 10 online dating situations suck, and it's nice to see that this misery isn't gender specific.

One other thing I'd add to your Rules of Engagement: If you get a "Thanks but no thanks" message, understand that the person was just being polite and you should NEVER EVER send them follow up messages that ask "Can you tell me what I did wrong, is it my profile, my emails, etc." It adds the air of desparation to the whole thing, and that's air I've got to breath, too.

LJ said...

Bravo!! It's too bad you can't just make that your personal ad text. But no, men are such babies - they'd be intimidated by your bluntness.

And? You've been blogrolled. We online daters need to stick together!

Anne said...

Thanks for the laughs. You make me so glad that I never had to go through this stuff.

Sarcastic Ornery Barista said...

Lawyer doesn't mean hooker? I thought maybe it was just the "initial free consultation." And then I got screwed and it cost me. With the lawyer, I mean. Great list.

GQ1NYC said...

That is the funniest thing I've read today. I'm at work and I flip through blogs looking to find some intresting post and you have made my day. I wish I could post one about women like.

Do not post pictures of you looking pissed off.

Do not write in your profile, lokking to meet someone for marriage type relationship. Men stay away from profiles like these.

Don't have one picture and it be of your dog/cat or childeren. men want to date you first not them.

Don't post a slutty picture and get angry when men email you for sex.

If your not a social person and you don't want to go out and do things, you shouldn't have a profile.

Do not post the drama's from your past relationships in your profile.

Do not tell someone you like to so go to sports, bars or whatever and then we find out you were saying it to be nice.

Don't put in your profile "Feel free to email me" if you don't intend to write back (Your forgiven for ignoring the ugly or phycho)


That's my little input. Keep the post coming, it's really good stuff.

I spend a brief month doing the online dating thing. It's great and it sucks at the same time. can't explain but you may know the feeling.

Good Luck in your search.

GQ1NYC said...

That is the funniest thing I've read today. I'm at work and I flip through blogs looking to find some intresting post and you have made my day. I wish I could post one about women like.

Do not post pictures of you looking pissed off.

Do not write in your profile, lokking to meet someone for marriage type relationship. Men stay away from profiles like these.

Don't have one picture and it be of your dog/cat or childeren. men want to date you first not them.

Don't post a slutty picture and get angry when men email you for sex.

If your not a social person and you don't want to go out and do things, you shouldn't have a profile.

Do not post the drama's from your past relationships in your profile.

Do not tell someone you like to so go to sports, bars or whatever and then we find out you were saying it to be nice.

Don't put in your profile "Feel free to email me" if you don't intend to write back (Your forgiven for ignoring the ugly or phycho)


That's my little input. Keep the post coming, it's really good stuff.

I spend a brief month doing the online dating thing. It's great and it sucks at the same time. can't explain but you may know the feeling.

Good Luck in your search.

GQ1NYC said...

P.S. Sorry for the double post and typos but I'm at work and had to sneak to write. Pretending to do a spread sheet. =0)

The Supervisor said...

Hint, if someone only wants to meet you for 20 minutes, it is because he is trying to screen you for physical looks and nothing else. ;)

Keep up the great blog!

BitchFestivus said...

Oy gavult, I feel your pain!

vendela said...

Me too!

Chutzpah said...

This was the best On-Line Dating Rules List I've seen! You are very funny!

as life would have it said...

Hi NY Lawyer--I have to agree w/ #15!! For certain--used to work as a court runner & had access to the public records at the court house. Used to listen to the friends dating extravaganzas--he said he was a lawyer but is always around, it seems "off"--used to use my powers to help them so to speak--found out a lot of wannabees were actually being charged w/ something or didn't exist usually.... so yes--databases are available & those dumbasses ARE out there!! Many happy searchings to you & good luck!!

Kate said...

Your blog is very interesting, I found it when looking for transgender personals related sites.
Regards, Kate.

Anonymous said...

Ahhhh Yes, I too, found this site while I was looking for "how to write a good "date" post." I'm recently divorced and I'm almost broke, thanks to the lawyer in my ex's life. It's good to see another ruthless layer is alive and well, funny too. You really did make me laugh though. I'm from (phila) that's Philadelphia and after I read your article I'm truly glad I don't live in NY that's (New York)because it sounds like that's where all of the happy, content, beautiful and truly fulfilled people are. Unfortunately, I'm just little ole me so I guess this "broad" is way out of my class whaddoyathink? Do ya think I gots a chance with ya? Do ya, Do ya.

But all kidding asside, I'm probably old enough to be your dad (I'm 46) and I "think" I'm glad you're not my daughter. Nor, would I have ever been stupid enough to let you babysit because I'm sure you would have been "yaking" on the phone the entire time while my son would have had a "poopy diaper" Can I say poopy? I noticed you mentioned (NPD) That's Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I am not a DR. (That's doctor) but you may want to check it out for further review.

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/narcissism_defined.html

I know all about it from my ex-wife. Well, thank you for making some really good lawyer points and taking all of the fun out life for me. I suppose if I post now I'll feel like a real looser. Thanks alot. If I'm ever in (NY) again that's New York, I'll be sure to look you up. Okay? You do sound exciting in a direct, ordered and robotic kind of way. I wonder if I can be sued for this?

PS. GOD is spelled with a capital "G" but you probably have an answer for that too.

If you think I'm funny I'll even check back from time to time to see if you like me. Okaaaaaaaaay??????????
And I'll even give you my email so you don't have to go through the trouble of finding it yourself. Okaaaaaaaaay?

Hey, could anyone tell me how to get to time square?

Refer to number 6 & 7. How did I do?

With all my Love,

Jerry

j31960 said...

Ahhhh Yes, I too, found this site while I was looking for "how to write a good "date" post." I'm recently divorced and I'm almost broke, thanks to the lawyer in my ex's life. It's good to see another ruthless layer is alive and well, funny too. You really did make me laugh though. I'm from (phila) that's Philadelphia and after I read your article I'm truly glad I don't live in NY that's (New York)because it sounds like there is only room in it for you. I suppose that's where all of the happy, content, beautiful and truly fulfilled people are. Unfortunately, I'm just little ole me so I guess this "broad" is way out of my class whaddoyathink? Does ya thinks I gots a chance with ya? Does ya, Does ya?

But all kidding asside, I'm probably old enough to be your dad (I'm 46) and I "think" I'm glad you're not my daughter. Wait a minute. Na, couldn't be. Nor, would I have ever been stupid enough to let you babysit because I'm sure you would have been "yaking" on the phone the entire time while my son would have had a "poopy diaper" Can I say poopy? I noticed you mentioned (NPD) That's Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I am not a DR. (That's doctor) but you may want to check it out for further review.

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/narcissism_defined.html

I know all about it from my ex-wife. Well, thank you for making some really good lawyer points and taking all of the fun out life for me. I suppose if I post now I'll feel like a real looser. Thanks alot. If I'm ever in (NY) that's New York, I'll be sure to look you up. Okaaaaay? You do sound exciting in a direct, ordered, controlling and robotic kind of way. I wonder if I can be sued for this?

PS. GOD is spelled with a capital "G" but you probably have an answer for that too.

Question: How do ya spell yenta?
Answer: Reywal hsiwej decrovid dlo raey 03 A.

Use must use a mirror to dis cypher the answer.

Or, for those of you none Narcissistic types the answer is: A 30 year old divorced Jewish lawyer.

Do you think I'm cute? Do you think I'm funny, hunny? I know I'm hot because after I read your blog my asstriods began to smolder. If you think I'm funny I'll even check back from time to time to see if you like me. Okaaaaaaaaay??????????
And I'll even give you my email so you don't have to go through the trouble of finding it yourself. Okaaaaaaaaay?

Hey, could anyone tell me how to get to time square?

Refer to number 6 & 7. How did I do?

With all my Love,

Jerry

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friska said...

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