1. Do not send me four charming and flattering emails, get my number, and then NOT call.
2. Do not use LOL in any communication with me. If you write LOL after something you've written, it makes what might have been funny NOT FUNNY AT ALL. I am not a studio audience that needs to be told when to laugh.
3. If you ask me out on a date, don't tell me you only want to meet for 20 minutes because "you've been on so many of these and you'd rather not waste your time if there's no chemistry." First of all, NO ONE has been on more dates than me. Second, if you can't spend an hour or two getting to know someone you've gone out of your way to meet on-line, then you're a narcissistic douchebag who doesn't deserve even one minute of my time, much less 20.
4. Do not send me more than one email. If I don't respond to your first email, the rest of them trying to cajole me into talking to you only make you seem like the psycho stalker you probably are.
5. Do not contact me if you don't have a picture of yourself posted in your profile. If you offer to send me one, and then I don't respond, now we both suck. You because you're ugly, me because I come across as a shallow bitch. Just post your ugly picture to begin with, so that you can get ignored like everyone else.
6. Do not have misspellings or incorrect grammar in your profile. You sound stupid.
7. Do not send me one sentence, grammatically incorrect emails like "your hott" or "How're ya doin hot stuff." By the way, "ya" is NOT a word.
8. Do not contact me if you're old enough to be my father.
9. Do not contact me if I'm old enough to have been your baby sitter.
10. Do not contact me if you live more than an hour away. I don't care how often you come to New York, I'm not a goddamn tour guide and I'm NOT going to be your booty call while you're in town.
11. Do not write about how handsome or good looking you are in your profile. That's what the picture is for. If you need to say you're good looking, you're probably not.
12. Do not write cliche lines like, "looking for a partner in crime", "I work hard and play hard", "I like a night on the town and I like a quiet night at home", "I like to take advantage of all this City has to offer." Not only do you sound stupid (see #6) you also sound like you have the personality of a wet paper towel.
13. Do not talk about your mother in your profile. (This should be self-explanatory).
14. Do not expect me to sleep with you on the first date. Lawyer does not mean HOOKER. (contrary to what you may have heard)
15. And most importantly, don't lie in your profile about your marital status, your child-having status, your level of education or anything that I can find out about you by doing a search on the wide variety of legal databases available to me. Dumbass.