Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I'm on a NEED TO KNOW Basis, People!!!


Hi Mom. What's up?

Nothing, just called to say hello. See how you are.

I'm fine. Anything new in the last nine minutes since I've talked to you?

No, nothing new, I just forgot to tell you that I saw your ex the other day. Out with his mom of course.


Yes, but he looked terrible. I mean, really bad. He lost a lot of weight, and he was wearing this tight sweater that showed off all of these muscles. He looked gay, like one of those metrosexuals. Just terrible. Yuck.

(Slight pause) Let me get this straight. You called to tell me that he lost all the weight he gained after we got married and now his muscles are bulging out of his clothes? You called to tell me he looks like the well maintained men that take care of their appearance to the point where they look as good as gay men? You actually called to TELL ME THIS?!?!


Okay Mom, I'm going to get off the phone now. And I'm going to call the phone company to change my number so that you can NEVER CALL ME AGAIN.


spawn of satan said...

Mr. Linus is a gay?

he should only be so lucky...

Hilary said...

Ohmygod, you had me laughing out loud reading this post. My mom and I have shared conversations exactly like this in the past. Just know you're not alone.

Layne said...

Just remember how his boys shriveled up when it came time for you to get yours....or something. Anything to remind yourself that even match.hell is better.

Parents are so clueless. I mean really. My mom told me last year how she heard at the salon that an old love of mine is worth a mil now. While my true love is...not.

Jami said...

I swear my mother and I have conversations like this on a daily basis! Very funny post!

LJ said...

Wow, the hit from your own mother. Brutal! At least my mother had the decency to tell me that my exhus looked like total shit when she saw him a while ago. And really, I don't think Match.hell is better (in ref to the comment above mine). Course maybe I attract all the losers?

Minion said...

My mother used to wait until we were on our way to a social event, usually waiting for our host to open the door, before reaching out and adjusting some portion of my clothing, and uttering this pithy phrase: "So, you're wearing that, are you?" She did this many, many times.

Changing your telephone number won't stop this kind of behavior. Changing your gender might. Good luck!

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