Thursday, April 28, 2005

Mean Co-Workers

"I can't believe with all the networking websites and dating websites out there, you still can't find someone to marry you." Smarmy-Ass Co-Worker just said that to me. Verbatim. And then chuckled to himself and walked out of my office.

Is it still arson if you set a person on fire?

I've been through the ringer with online dating sites like JDate, or as I call it, JHell. Most of the men I know call it Lay-Date. And from what I hear, for good reason. It's true that I met many men on there, (I was quite popular, if I do say so myself - I would even get recognized when I went out sometimes) but that's clearly irrelevant since I'm still getting harrassed by Smarmy-Ass for being single.

My friends would muse out loud about how totally incredible it was that I had soooo many dates and yet absolutely nothing, NOTHING would come to fruition.
"I've never seen anything like it." (translation: you are clearly a moron that shouldn't be let loose on society.)
"What do you do on these dates?" (translation: in what horrifyingly neurotic way do you scare these men out of ever wanting to see you again?)
"What do you say on these dates?" (translation: do you let them see how pathetically needy and desperate you really are?)
"Maybe you shouldn't be so open." (translation: keep your damn yap shut and your obnoxious opinions to yourself. It's bad enough you're a divorced lawyer, just sit there and look pretty.)

In my defense, I was actually very nice to almost all of the guys I went out with, including the ones who lied about their age (I thought I told you I'm really 45. I wrote 35 in my profile by mistake), their height (No, I'm 5'10", your heels are what's making you three inches taller than me), their weight (I have muscles. I do. Really. Under these extra 50 pounds, there are lots of muscles), and their intentions.

It can't be all my fault. And if it is, then there must be someone out there who'll like me for me. I mean, as soon as he gets released from the asylum.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Please accept this insightful commentary from Paul in Beautiful Girls:

Paul: You let her behind the curtain, I know you did. You never let them behind the curtain Will. You never let them see the little old man behind the curtain working the levers of the great and powerful OZ. They are all sisters Willie... they aren't allowed back there... they mustn't see.

Take it to heart.

Your Cuz said...

Face it already, you're never going to get married...again. You're an embarassment to the family. You couldn't have just stood there and taken in a beat down like a real woman. You just HAD to get a divorce. Eat it. Fuck him, fuck them, and I love you! And no, it's not arson, so just do it.

Minion said...

If Smarmy-Ass needs a new job, I know EXACTLY where he'd fit in.

And what does the advice from commenter #1 mean, exactly? Seems to me that you need to be showing more of your magic to these guys, rather than less. (In this context, "magic" is not a euphemism for any of your body parts.)

Thanks for the link. Counting you, I now have four readers. Woo-hoo! I'll send you some of my overflow by returning the favor and linking to you.

An Admirer said...

Queen of Blogs,

I can't imagine why men aren't lining up around the block for you. I've become smitten just by reading your words. Sooner or later, a man who's worth having (and who's also deserving of the fabulousness that is YOU) will turn up. Until then, don't sweat it and don't blame yourself. You rock!

spawn of satan said...

you are going to die alone.

but look on the brightside...you already know what hell feels like.

landismom said...

Oy vey! Do you really want to be known as Spawn of Satan? If so, keep posting comments like that one.

My Life Is God's Comic Strip said...

Actually, Spawn of Satan is my little sister. I gave her that name based on one of my entries: Minions. She's just embracing the title....and making fun of me.

dog1net said...

Well written, humorous, insightful. Don't know how many dates I've been on where I felt like I would've been better off if I gone out with myself instead.

Suburby said...

Feh, all that means in you have standards. Which is a good thing. Don't settle.

Have you tried eHarmony? If so, can you let us know what that was like? Maybe I am taken in by the quasi-scientificness of it, but it seems like a pretty good.

Suburby said...

idea.

(sorry!)

LingLing said...

hey--cool blog. I'll be back. I think you should set Smarmy on fire....
cheers, LingLing

Fidget said...

Men fear women with ambition and drive, maybe you should start a mail in romance with a felon. I mean you know up front what you are getting and I'd bet a felon wouldn't mind you making more money. He might be quite happy as a "kept " man

Mysti said...

I am loving your wit. Keep writin. I will be back.