Monday, April 25, 2005

Let My People Go

If the choice is between holidays with the family or repeatedly jabbing a fork in my eye, someone pass me a fork.

This is NOT what they mean when they refer to the Passover questions.

“So, are you seeing anyone lately?”
“Anyone special in your life?”
“Are you dating anyone?”

Well, besides the guy I’m fucking on the Upper West Side, no. (On the inside.)
“No, no one special. I’m not really dating right now.” (On the outside.)

“Why, what’s the matter with you?” It’s always, “What’s the matter with you.” Like I’m some emotionally disfigured Chernobyl survivor.

I counted, and I’ve either been out on A DATE or DATED fifty-two men in the past year. FIFTY-TWO. That’s an average of one a week. That’s a lot of men. And I can honestly say I’m exhausted. Because it wasn’t one date a week. It was more like two to four dates a week and that’s a lot of running around on stilettos.

“You’ve gone out with so many people, and you haven’t been able to find one guy willing to date you?”

Thanks Grandma.

“No, I guess not.”

“Maybe you’re too picky? I mean, there can’t be something wrong with all of those guys. Maybe there’s something wrong with YOU.”

“Well, you know Grandma, I was dating for ten years before I met my ex-husband, and look how that turned out; it’s not easy to find someone to marry anymore.”

“What? You want to wait another ten years to get married? No one will marry you in ten years. No one wants to marry you now.”

Maybe the fork would look better in Grandma’s eye. (On the inside.)
“Grandma, don’t worry, I’ll find someone. I promise.” (On the outside.)

Yuk it up now God, because when I kill myself and go directly to Hell, I’m going to get all of my friends there together and then you’re in trouble. Oh yeah, I’m not afraid to threaten the big G. You goin’ down sucka!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Maybe this lack of belife is what holding you from meeting a guy.
think about it

Jilly said...

Yep, that conversation rings a HUGE bell with me.

Anonymous said...

Cameron: [singing] When Cameron was in Egypt's land..."let my Cameron go!"

carrotpenis said...

Have you noticed that the people that are hardest on Jewish people are other Jewish people. It's like your own bit of self-persecution.

Chipman said...

Your blog name is just wonderful.... hehe. Nice blog.

Minion said...

The only thing worse than family members who pester you about when you're going to find Dr. Right is family members who stop pestering you. That's how I knew my family figured I was too old, ugly, picky, brainy, gay, or weird to ever find a man.

I love your blog, which I linked to from Worst Call. It's well-written and consistently funny. Thanks!

Boinks said...

your blog is hilarious. a co-worker of mine stumbled upon it from a posting on www.danasdirt.com

your commentary is such a welcome change from the normal cnn.com or msn.com-- thanks! :)