Albert Einstein did not believe in god. Albert Einstein is a genius.
I do not believe in god. Therefore I am a genius.
My baby sister (who's 19) can lose the cotton end of a q-tip in her ear canal. Twice. In six months. And still freak the fuck out.
That I can, and will, bump into every random person I have ever known in the past 15 years in SoHo, but will NEVER bump into the ONE neurosurgeon that I love in a very pathetic, he doesn't even remember my name, kind of way.
That everyone, EVERYONE that goes to Vegas for a bachelor party gets laid there.
That I should never, NEVER let my fiancee have a bachelor party in Vegas.
That the chiropractor I stopped dating was telling acquaintances of ours that we were seeing each other in a sort of serious way. Loser.
That a British accent will make any man 2.5 times more attractive than he was before he opened his mouth.
That an Italian accent will make me (and my friends) want to have sex with you immediately.
That I can eat obscene amounts of junk food at 3 a.m., including spicy hotdogs and pepperoni pizza in the same sitting.
That the DVD player I bought six months ago to play CDs isn't broken. All I needed to do was TURN UP THE VOLUME on the TV. I am a JACKASS.
That my baby sister is now officially prettier than I am - as referenced by former admirers of mine who have (quite vocally) decided to change camps. Bastards.