Friday, April 22, 2005

Size Matters, Get Over It

I'm not afraid to admit it. Size matters. Oh yes, it does.

Now I'm not talking about it having the ability to cripple me, but I better be able to feel something. And I mean FEEL.

Let's be honest, the size of my ass matters. The length of my hair matters. Let's not forget the twins, Thelma and Louise. How they fill out a tight tank top matters. And I'm okay with that. But make no mistake, the male correlative is the penis, and its size is important to most women.

If you have a problem with this statement, you probably have a small pecker. But don't worry, because the size of your donger is NOT the only thing that matters to women.

For example, the size of a guy's bank account matters too. Now don't get crazy, let me say my part, and then feel free to go nuts. But in today's day and age, women are more successful than ever before, and they have the bank to prove it. Why not want a man on par?

Now I certainly don't condone those women who have nothing going on for themselves but chase men with money to secure a nice setup. (Insert Russian mail-order bride mental image here). I'm talking about the woman who works her butt off through school and at her job, and is looking for a partner.

The size of a guy's ego matters. There's a lot of swagger here in New York. And it's NOT attractive. I don't care if he can poke my eye out from across the living room with it, if he's arrogant, an eye poke is all he gets.

The size of his relationship with his mother matters. Oh dear lord, this is the worst. So many whiny, weenie, scrotum-less little boys running around, dressed up in suits. There are so many mamma's boys here in NY, and yet I'm still amazed an umbilical cord can stretch that far without breaking. I used to make little scissor motions in front of my ex's belly button. But I digress. I don't care if King Kong can climb it and swat at helicopters from the top, if a guy talks to his mom every day, I'm not going anywhere near it.

But size still matters. Because if a woman finds a great guy, and he's, um, shall we say, disappointingly endowed, that's going to be a problem. A woman may never say anything to him, but rest assured the topic is getting heavy coverage at lunch, drinks, dinner, phone calls and shopping with the girls. And the forecast is bleak.

And the motion of the ocean might help, but if you're small, I suggest you start surfing the net, asap. Once you order your bride from Russia, she'll be so happy to be here, she might wait a few months after you're married before she starts cheating on you.


Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

Maybe being naive but the ego thing is the most significant to me at this point in time,as for the penis, well I have heard about magic fingers.

Anonymous said...

You forgot that the size of the cunt is also important (smaller is better). I have to say that you are a big fucking cunt.

And my Russian bride with a PhD is 10 times the woman than any American whiney bitch that I have ever seen. That goes double for J.A.P.!!!!

Monica Chen said...

"I don't care if King Kong can climb it and swat at helicopters from the top, if a guy talks to his mom every day, I'm not going anywhere near it."

Hah! Great line!

Ugh, mama's boys. Definitely can't date them.

Robert_M said...

The next blog feature usually lets me down, but I find yours most interesting.

The Mad Perseid said...

I think I understand now. Unlike men, traditionally women marry up, and for very successful women, the problem is very large. Once you hit a certain income level, the numbers of available men begin to shrink exponentially. Add to that all the requirements you've listed, and it begins to shrink even more.

For men of course, the problem is opposite. Once you hit a certain level of income, the numbers of available women begin to increase exponentially, but many of them are nothing but bimbo golddiggers. Once has to learn how to weed them out, but pure numbers dictate that men have an easier time.

One must be willing to live with the choices one makes.

Anonymous said...

The marrying up thing is part of it. Also, there is just no incentive for guys to get married once they get to a certain age and have tons of options.

Guys also do NOT care how much a woman makes or about her career, PERIOD. Unless he is a loser. All a career is is an annoyance that makes a woman less available to him, makes it less likely she has time to keep in shape, less likely to have time and energy for sex, etc. etc.

Citizen of the Month said...

All this talk about the importance of my penis size and my bank account upset me so much, I had to call up my mother. Luckily, she's going to send me some blintzes in the mail. Now, that's a real woman!

Great site. Found you through Superfluous Juxtaposition.

Anonymous said...

almost all women think about size!!when i hear alot of women throw it back on the man i laugh because all i hear is women say that "he better be big" or have money.i think women dont want to say its them because it makes them seem a certain way when it comes to choosing her man.if it seems like its all about size their letting the average number of men down!!!

Anonymous said...

Did you ever consider that it may be a combination of the man's size and the fact that your vagina could easily house a small armored vehicle?