I don't understand why you feel it necessary to wake me up at various intervals throughout the night, either through nightmarish dreams of terrorists trying to shoot me and my friends at a black tie party, and only providing pool tables, (pool tables?!) as something to hide under (when everyone knows that a pool table doesn't provide even the slightest bit of protection against terrorist AK-47's! Bastard!), or by forcing me to dream of water and how desperately parched I am after having a couple of drinks with dinner, which invariably forces me to wake up and stumble incoherently into my kitchen to cure the worst case of dry mouth EVER, or by simply waking me up for no reason at all. Hey, why not wake up, it's 3:47 am already. Who needs to sleep? I NEED TO SLEEP! I. Need. To. Sleep.
And also, please stop making me dream about men I can't have. Or men I've dated. Really, that's not necessary at all. I don't need to encounter any of my ex's in Dream World. And I don't need to encounter them in ANY type of sexual situation. Really. And I also don't need to encounter former friends who are no longer friends because we had the friend break-up. Dream World is a dangerous place, stop making me bump into people I don't want to see. Hey, why not a little Pierce Brosnan action? What about John Stamos, he sleeps, he has dreams, why can't I bump into him?!
Really Subconscious, you're trying my patience. Although, I do have to thank you for the hot male prostitute I dreamt about last night, best oral sex I've gotten in a looooong time. At least my sex life in Dream World is improving. But my sleep isn't improving. Lying awake last night from 4:30 to 6:45 made coming to work painful.
Don't make me resort to drugs, like Ambien, or crystal meth. You won't like what happens. Now, as a compromise, I'm going to try some Tylenol PM. If you refuse to play nicely with the Tylenol, I swear crystal meth it is, young lady.
I hope this letter can bring us together to a more congenial understanding of our mutual needs. I need to sleep, you need to stop fucking with that.
All the best,