My very worthwhile two cents, or, unsolicited advice that will probably just piss you off

Having been single, then married, then single, I've realized that both situations have equal suck-age factors. Especially after talking to my single and married friends.

My single friends are annoyed that they're single, lonely, sexually frustrated, sometimes hopeless about finding the ONE (I personally believe there are lots of ONE's depending on where you are in life, what you're looking for, how totally desperate you are and how low you're willing to go to not sleep alone on a regular basis...).

I have single friends who are knowingly dating the totally wrong guy, but keep doing it anyway, because they don't want to get back out there. Yes, when he's eight years younger, it amounts to pedophelia. Call me when the authorities catch up with you. I'll bail you out and defend you in court, we can use a temporary insanity defense. No, I'm not going to a keg party with you this weekend.

I have single friends who are desperately trying to dodge the marriage noose their mothers are chasing them with, but can't find one single, normal guy to have as a boyfriend. You know, someone who returns your calls on a regular basis, doesn't call you by the name of the girl he fucked last night, isn't on any kind of mood stabilizing medication. Just the basics.

Or yours truly. After having dated all the eligible single men on the East Coast, and refusing to adhere to the tenets of Manifest Destiny, because really, I may be desperate, but I'm not desperate enough to end up with a guy in one of the RED states or a fruit loop in California, I'm moving TO ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR A MAN. Textbook case of how NY dating is bad for your mental health.

My married friends have become disillusioned with their ONE. Can't stand him or her. Wonder if they made a mistake. Wonder if there's a way out, or a way to fix it. Eyes start to wander. "Meetings" are what married people now have. She tries to figure out how the hell she can explain how her panties got torn at the "Meeting" and why she has bruises on her knees when she gets home to her husband. He tells me his wife couldn't care less when he goes home drunk, smelling like perfume.

Sometimes my married friends just want to act like they're single, go out, get drunk, flirt. But there's a big difference between acting and being single.

My single friends need to understand that marriage is not the golden ring they've been raised to believe it is. There will come a point, very soon, when you're like, "Please, PLEASE, go out with the boys. For god's sake, GO, go ANYWHERE. I'll go to the ATM machine and get you $20's for the strip club. Just leave me alone for one night."

And my married friends, who keep asking me whether divorce is really an option, people, it's HARD OUT THERE. AND IT'S LONELY. The rules of dating have changed since you were single. And it's much much uglier.

Single life isn't all about parties and hot girls and hot guys and great vacations (although lets be honest, that's a big part of it...), and married life isn't all about love, and security and sex and togetherness. (That kind of made me throw up a little in my mouth).

Basically what I'm trying to say is, the grass isn't always greener. And if you think your life blows because you're single, I promise you I can find an equal number of married people who'll say the same thing. And if you think your life blows because you're trapped in marriage with a person you want to stab repeatedly with your child's crayons, take heart, it's hard to be single. It's even harder to be divorced.

So, to all of my dear friends who read this blog: SUCK IT UP YOU PUSSIES, IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE!