Monday, April 03, 2006

New Depths of Desperation

My mother, like any typical Jewish mother, is extremely concerned about my status as a single 30 year old.

Since I'm not moving fast enough at getting off the fast track to sealing my inevitable fate of becoming a horrible, childless spinster, my mother has now taken it upon herself to save me from myself.

In order to get me married off to the first available and willing candidate (which in her mind, are the only prerequisites necessary for entering the sacred bonds of marriage), she has now resorted to actually picking up men for me.

And then calling me, with an unlikely story of how she happened to meet him on her way out of her office. And really, they were talking about business, before it even crossed her mind to bring me up. And the only real reason she did bring me up, was because this complete and utter stranger, this very "polite," "handsome, ok, maybe not handsome, but very good looking, well, good looking, no, he's ok I think," "divorced" (what a coincidence), half-Italian, half-Jewish, Brooklyn-residing 32 year old standing next to his BMW, just happened to ask my mother, whether she knew any nice girls for him, as all single 32 year old men are prone to do when they meet a 50 year old woman in a parking lot.

When did it become de rigeur to pick up strangers in parking lots for your daughter? Why is that ok? Don't most parents take the, "Hey, you need to prove yourself worthy of my child" stance? Not the, "For Sale: 1 female, slightly used, healthy, 30yo, good teeth, child bearing hips. All inquiries considered."

The only thing I'm grateful for, is at least she didn't give out my number and took his instead. She used to give my number out freely, because "it's the man's job to call." What she didn't understand was that it shouldn't be any and every man.

But now, she won't relent. "Did you call him? Just call him. Why don't you call him?"

Because, if I call him, then I have to go out with him, then I have to date him, then I have to marry him, then I have to have children with him, then I have to grow old and die with him. There's no end to her harassment, and I know she won't stop with the pushing and the questions, and I just don't want to open the door to that kind of torture.

She doesn't understand that there have to be boundaries. The next boundary I'm setting up? A moat full of alligators and flesh eating piranhas. Oh, but that won't work. She'll just fly over it on her broom. At least the flying monkeys will give me a heads up that she's on her way.

7 comments:

running42k said...

Have you ever considered telling your mother that you are a lesbian? It could buy you some time on the man front.

Spinsterella said...

And to think I used to moan about my mother asking me:

"how's the social life - anyone special?"

..every six months or so.

Running 42k suggestion is a good one.

rev. billy bob gisher ©2008 said...

i was "adopted" by a jewish mother in tampa. it must be hard-wired into the DNA, as my invite ratio to dinners went through the roof after she found out i was single. i must have met every eligible female that could be flown in with excess frequent flier miles. i adore this woman, and especially her cooking but it got way out of hand. i came up with a fool-proof method to stop it:

I "came out of the closet" as a gay man. to my shock and horror she started inviting men to dinner, i had no idea there were that many gay jewish men. i only got out of this loop by moving 1500 miles away. (and i told her it was because of the hurricanes.)

dinner is only once a year now, and i bring mary which cooled her jets, although she is somewhat curious as to my sexual preference flip=flops.


you are not alone.

My Life Is God's Comic Strip said...

I actually already tried to tell her I'm gay. It didn't work, and it caused her to cause me even more grief. One day, one day, I WILL PREVAIL. Even if it means I have to move out of the country like my middle sister did....New Zealand. How's that for the farthest place on earth from NY?

Jenni said...

It's a sad thing when a mother can pick up guys younger than her more easily than the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

No, no, you're not doing it right!

Actually take a "girlfriend" home with you. If your mother is still in denial, just snog her on the sofa.

The girlfriend, that is...The other would be just wrong.

OK, I'll get me coat...

Unknown said...

Is the moving to Europe not looking ANY more promising?!