I've been given the opportunity, many many times over, to make my overbearing Jewish mother ridiculously happy. And I never came through.
I have dated doctors in almost every single speciality. And I managed to not land even one. Not one doctor is willing to marry me and provide me with the life my mother always dreamed of.
There was the radiologist that wasn't Jewish.
The radiologist that was Jewish, but couldn't stop screaming Yale in public, as he repeatedly told me and anyone within a hundred yard radius that he's doing his residency at YALE! YALE!! YALE, YALE, YALE, YALE, YALE!!!!!
The ophthalmologist that wasn't Jewish.
The ophthalmologist that was Jewish, but was using me as a rebound to get over his non-Jewish ex.
The ophthalmologist that was Jewish, wasn't using me as a rebound, and just wasn't interested. Bastard.
The ear, nose and throat doctor who only wanted to have sex.
The gynecologist with uncomfortably long nails. (Take a minute....eeeewwwwwww. Exhale.)
The dermatologist with the yellow corvette. (God help us all).
The cardiologist that was a little too into the S&M. (I'm not crawling across the floor in some rubber getup holding a crop between my teeth. Not for free anyway.)
The cardiologist with the fake leg. And lazy eye.
The pediatrician. Who likes kids?!
The orthopedic surgeon that was a terrifying republican.
The oral surgeon whose penis curved so far to the left, it hurt.
The podiatrist that had me on a rotation of 12 different girls.
The emergency room doctor that actually liked me right away, which made him totally undesirable. Obviously.
The plastic surgeon who kept offering to do free surgery on me if we ended up together. You know, because it's always great to hear you need a little work from a professional while you're on a date with him.
And, last but certainly not least, the neurosurgeon that I humiliated myself in front of, drunkenly professed my love to (on our fifth date), chased for six months, worshiped and obsessed over, who had the nerve to not love me back. I know, I can't believe it either.
15 comments:
Wow! I didn’t realize Doctors were so dysfunctional. I’m actually a little scare now.
absolute riot. where are you hanging out at, graduations at medical school? geez, try a plumber next, maybe he will work on your pipes.
Hi. It's national Delurking week, so I am officially delurking. I read your blog daily..(or at least check for updates daily) but rarely comment...love your stuff. Stacie
maybe none of these doctors liked you because since your divorce you have probably slept with over 400 people
oooooooooooooooo.
are ya free tonite?
Would your mother accept another professional degree besides medicine?
Hell, I say through all caution to the wind and try to land yourself a mechanic. I mean, what's the point in trying to live up to expectations now? Run with your rebel side.
I haven't slept with over 400 people. Max, I would say...350. But hey, who knows, maybe January will be a good month.
Memes are stupid but i tagged you anyway.
Wouldn't it be funny if the brother of the 1st ophthalmologist read this and freaked out about having a relationship with your cousin. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
so, which doctor did you like the best?
you are hysterical! keep writing. . my life is a sit com
fondly,
another jewish girl out there showing respect!
One physician in a relationship is one too many.
Funny post.
"The emergency room doctor that actually liked me right away, which made him totally undesirable. Obviously."
What a great reason not to date someone!
For someone who prides herself on how smart she is, you really are stupid.
Dear Anonymous,
Stupid huh? How did you ever find out? Have you seen my grades from high school?!?! Oh NO!!!! The secrets out! I'm STUPID. STUPID STUPID STUPID.
Hey genius, if you didn't get that I was making fun of myself with that statement, guess who's not the only one that's stupid here....
Hey Anon,
How dare you insult the beautiful and smart N!!!
You're stupid. And grow some balls and get yourself
an account name.
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