There is a breed of man I know that I really don't understand. It's the guy that refuses to lie to his girlfriend about things he really needs to lie about.
I'm not talking about lying about last weekend when he was talking to some girl and tripped and somehow ACCIDENTALLY ended up inside of her in the bathroom of the club while he was out with the boys. I'm talking about the kind of lying that will only buy him peace of mind and will give his girlfriend the answers she wants to hear.
He insists on total, brutal, painful honesty. He thinks it's the only way, and feels that what he did in the past won't upset her now. And if it does, it's her problem. Silly silly man. If she has a problem, now YOU have a problem. So just save her feelings and save your mental well-being and lie. For god's sake, please, just lie!!
"No sweetheart, of course I would never want a threesome with you and someone else."
"No, I wasn't looking at her because I think she's pretty. I was staring at her lazy eye/club foot/fat ass (or insert anything ANYTHING you can think of that will sound plausible)."
"Yes, I love it when we make love." (Look, I know this one's hard, I even throw up a little in my mouth when I have to use it, but just suck it up and do it anyway.)
"You don't look bloated to me."
"I've never paid for sex."
"You are my type."
"I'm attracted to women with (insert hair/eye color/height/body type of the GIRL YOU ARE CURRENTLY DATING)." (A brunette NEVER needs to know you have a penchant for blonds. Spare yourself a future agony because god help you if she ever catches you checking out a blond.)
"You're the best girlfriend I've ever had."
"The craziest sexual thing I've ever done? That time you and I (fill in the blank)." She doesn't need to know about the two strippers in Vegas with the swing. SHE. DOESN'T. EVER. NEED. TO. KNOW.
"I never got a girl pregnant." (Unless you have little Bobby Jr.'s running around, what happened between you and your girlfriend when you were 16 is irrelevant to anything going today.)
And we will return the favor.
"You're the best lover I've ever had."
"Oh really? I never noticed that it curves to the left."
"I've never had a threesome."
"Yes, I came."
"Of course I fantasize about having sex with women."
"I don't care how much money you make."
"I really enjoy swallowing."
"I've never used a sex swing. Hey, what IS a sex swing?" *blink blink*
"I only masturbate to you."
"I've only given blow jobs to men I was in a relationship with. Really."
"I love your mother."
It's a delicate balance that needs to be maintained. You need to lie about things that can't be changed, have no impact anymore and will only upset her if she knows. Because if she's upset, you know you will be upset, mainly because she'll TORTURE you until you are upset. And there's no need to have another crying jag, that turns into a five hour talk that ends at 3 in the morning on a random Tuesday night. Spare yourself.
6 comments:
Thank god someone in the world has some sense. Even if it's a single woman in New York. Maybe it'll spread.
Thanks for this, it made my day!
Hear hear. This should be copied, pasted and emailed to every man in the world as standard procedure, starting immediately. Honesty is v rarely, if ever, the best policy.
i'm pissing my pants. you are too funny
Does a little white lie count?
I think not.
A-fucking-men! Sending the boyfriend here, stat.
It took me several years to learn this, but evenutaly I figured it out, mainly through the help of other, much wiser men then myself..
The confusion I guess lies in the women who demand the brutal truth but are lying themselves. :| or to themselves.. not sure which..:)
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