Not only is my fun voyage through the Candyland of subway systems comprised of miserable, corporate drones (like myself) on auto pilot, or gang-banger types with baggy pants and shmatas on their heads, or annoying tourists with their inappropriate laughter and excitement at being in New York City on their way to the Statue of Liberty, or even a homeless person begging (wearing $100 sneakers mind you) under the sign that clearly states "Give to Charity, Just Not on the Subway."
But today, a little treat was brought my way. A little yummy morsel of fun. This morning a 50 year old man with a long white beard, decided it was his turn to save my soul. And so, he began proselytizing, PROSELYTIZING in a booming voice, in the middle of a crowded subway, about our doom. For 20 minutes. About how I (and all non-believers) will surely go to hell if I don't accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. Predicting images of Hell, where even the innocent go, if they haven't accepted Jesus. Lakes with fire, eternal misery, damnation, blah blah fucking blah. I was like, what's the difference between Hell and NOW?!?!? Seems a little redundant. He said it didn't matter what denomination I was, so long as I accepted Jesus, I would be saved.
And then he got to the part that made my lawyer ears perk up. (We're always in it for the loopholes.) He said, that if I died without accepting Jesus, I would have to pay for my sins myself. But if I accepted Jesus, he would take on my sins, as my Savior. Silly me, here I thought I was paying for my sins as I go, kind of like the cell phone plan.
Hhhmm, I didn't know Jesus would take over my bag-o-sins. Hey, this guy might be onto something. If I don't accept Jesus, I go directly to Hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. If I DO accept Jesus, I could be living it up in Heaven, sipping Mai Tai's with Liberace. (You know he's in Heaven. The only way Hell would let in that many sequins is when it froze over, even they have standards). You know, like the Catholics. They have the right idea with that whole confession, screw-your-wife's-best-friend-in-your-marriage-bed-using-your-wife's-dildo-and-then-confess thing. Hey, what's a few Our Father's or Hail Mary's to avoid eternal damnation? Get with the program people!
The only people really listening to him appeared to be the gang-bangers. All the little Jewish corporate types in their Banana Republic issue-gray pants/blue shirt-uniforms stood quietly, avoiding eye contact. Of course, the unfriendly eye-contact-avoidance-head-bob is pretty common, and so it may not have had anything to do with threats of a new Sodom and Gomorrah. At least the gang-banger types were listening. I would rather they be devout Christians, than hoodlums. Actually, in today's America, I'm not so sure there's really a difference. Seems almost everyone gets to wreak havoc without repercussions. But then again, what does a Jewish girl from New York know about such things....
But I appreciated the guy's efforts in trying to save my soul. My apparently damned soul. Fire, brimstone, hail, locusts. I still don't really see the difference between Hell and being a lawyer.
6 comments:
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
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Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
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Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.
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One student, however, wrote the following:
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First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
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As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
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With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
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This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
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> 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
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> So which is it?
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If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa, (Cheerleader Captain and Class Valedictorian,) during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night and again this morning, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
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The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!!!"
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THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
I've already been to Hell. It's an English bar in the south of Spain full of tourists drinking warm beer with white handkerchiefs knotted on their head.
You were on quite the humourous rant this post. Very good.
It's amazing that religions endure in spite of the people that practice them.
Apparently, Catholics are reevaluating their own system. The possibility of purgatory being only a distant memory is quite real.
And, on a totally unrelated related note, we used to have ourselves a "sidewalk minister" on my college campus. Every few weeks we'd hear of our unavoidable fate. Every week he'd have his cronies there holding signs that said we were going to hell. Every week someone would taunt him from the crowd that gathered to listen. It was the highlight of my week sometimes.
Ah, at least you're not an estate agent. There's a special circle of Hell reserved for them... Oh, and also traffic wardens...
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