Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Things NOT to do at your new job in the first two weeks:

1. Wear tight shirts that are sleeveless and/or show lots of cleavage (because it's damn hot in NY right now).
2. Download Kazaa and start burning CD's from your work computer.
3. Go to lunch with some partners and associates, and recommend to the senior associate going to Vegas for a bachelor party to be sure to hit the pool at the Hard Rock because there are some "hot pieces of ass" hanging out there.
4. Talk on the phone to your friends about the person you're dating and his illegal white collar crimes.
5. Tell the partner you work for that you're giving his revisions to your secretary because you can't read his handwriting "for shit."
6. Call the MIS guy a homosexual, in his native tongue. Repeatedly.
7. Sing along to the 80's music playing in your office, while people around you are trying to work.
8. Come in drunk from the night before. In the same clothes. Minus one pair of panties.
9. Delete important documents from the system (by accident) you were trying to copy and pass off as your own work.
10. Take a one week vacation to Greece three weeks into the job.
11. Tell the partner you work for the reason you were late is because you took the wrong subway, even though you really spent the morning having sex.
12. Blog.


london cokehead said...

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An after reading that post I was wondering if you fancy contributing ..

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Neil said...

I think it's good that you did all those things. You're showing your superiors that you're not a pushover and will do things your way. I see "partner" in the very near future.

But, now that it's the third week, it's time to up the stakes.

Have you considered spitting in the MIS guy's face after insisting the company install a Playstation at your desk? Or wearing a "Miranda Rights Suck" t-shirt when speaking with a client? Or asking the boss if he finds your new nipple ring attractive?

I see big things for you with this firm.

Cynikell said...

Will your next post be about the interesting people you meet in the unemployment line?

GQ1NYC said...

I always do #12.

Jack Burden said...

MLIGCS, normally, you seem like you've got your head screwed on straight. But why, oh why, would you put #11 on a list of things NOT to do?

Well, if you're really bothered by it, next time you're late because you took the wrong subway, tell the partner you work for that you were late because you spent the morning having sex.

GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

That just made me laugh!

carrotpenis said...

Do you find that going to law school sucked every bit of technological knowledge out of your head. I work with two attornies that are just brillant at legal matters, but can manage to fuck up the easiest of things relating to the computer. My boss can lose a hundred emails in on errant key stroke never to be found again.

My Life Is God's Comic Strip said...

Actually, law firms (as I'm sure you know) have certain programs where they store documents. They are generally very similar, I just happened to have erased some from here because I wasn't familiar with the program yet. But I even showed the MIS guy some cool search tricks he didn't know about. If you're working with attorneys in their 40's and up, they usually fuck up a lot on the computer, otherwise, I think we're ok. (well, as ok as anyone can be in life when they're an attorney)

Anonymous said...

I'm a techie. The sign of a true techie is when he/she erases other people's documents.

Like good fisherman -- they catch each other.