Monday, June 06, 2005

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That, Except When it Comes to My Family

My sister (the Spawn of Satan) and I have decided that from now on the proper response to family questions about our personal lives is that we're gay or lesbians.

Knowing that older generations of the family contain homophobes, Spawn and I like to scare them a little every once in a while. Give them a little dose of reality, you know, what goes on outside the little box they so comfortably live in and keep trying to shove us into.

Saturday brunch was no different (but I think we get extra points for torturing family on the Sabbath - Go team!)

My aunt actually got angry. "You keep saying you're gay. Every time anyone talks to you, all we hear is 'I'm gay. I'm gay.' It's disgusting. It's not funny to joke about being gay. Being gay is sick." --Ahhh, fighting words.

"But what if I'm really gay? Maybe that's why I haven't been able to find anyone. I could be gay and not know it. Girls really are so pretty. We could get our nails done together. Imagine the wardrobe possibilities if I find someone my size."

Mom, now extremely angry, "If I hear you say that one more time, I'm going to smack the shit out of you. I don't want to hear that word coming out of your mouths again." Game on!

Me (wide eyed innocence): "But, what if I want to say I'm happy? You know, Gay means happy too."
Aunt (through clenched teeth): "Then say you're fucking happy."

Thirty seconds later, I turn to the Spawn, "Hey, remember that Halloween, when you wore that awesome GEI-sha costume?"
"Yeah, the one that got caught outside on the GAY-te?"
"Yes, because you were dancing to that song by Gloria GAY-nor."
"I love that song. Gloria GAY-nor has great dance songs. Hey, wasn't one of her songs in that movie with that character, GAYlord?"
"I don't know, but I don't think they called him GAYlord in the movie, he went by Greg. He has nothing to GAIn by using the name GAYlord."
"That's true. Are you going to watch the GAme on Monday night?"
"Yeah, I'll probably watch the GAme with my friend GAIL."
"Didn't GAIL buy a beautiful new alliGAYtor bag?"
"Why yes, GAIL...."

"You little fuckers."

My team always wins.


Anonymous said...

You're 29?

The Devil said...

Give Spawn a big hug for me

JoanSinbad © said...

Oh man that's excellent :) If only I had the opportunity to steal that to use on my family...

Rebecca said...

With every one of your posts I laugh so hard that I don't think it's possible to laugh any harder. But every time I come back, today a case in point, I find out that I am wrong! Your blog's title is really fitting!

(Thanks for linking me!)

Jay said...

Oh man, you are resilient for putting up with that. Anyone, regardless of generation, who is so obviously bigotted, comes away with quite an earful (or worse) from me.

Kiki said...

what a bunch of rectal orifices!! seriously - live in the 21st century man! SOrry you have to suffer through this. if you give them a choice between a girl or new catholic guy - I wonder which they would choose??

I just noticed you linked to my blog - I wanted to thank you. I also want to tell you I have the perfect shidduch for you......just kidding, although my boys are all single.....cute, blond and blue eyed.....all circumcised.....heehee!


matt d said...

That's hilarious. Homophobes are among the most fun people in the world to mess with... especially when it's family!

Spring said...

My god that's funny. It's scary how angry they get for even hearing the word "gay" though. I mean, my parents are homophobes, but I know they would never "smack the shit" out of me if I really was gay. They'd be pissed for a while, but I'm certain they'd come around.

I just recently found your blog. Pure awesomeness. I wish I had found it sooner. Now I have archives to go through!

LJ said...

Hilarious, pure and simple. And? What is up with Catholic Boy? Hmm?

VI said...

I love your spunk!

Anonymous said...

They want grandchildren

landismom said...

Lesbians are capable of providing grandchildren, too.

Now I wish I wasn't married, just so I could try that out on my mom.

Erin said...

Rock On!!! (Thanks for the link btw) :)

Anonymous said...

So one second, in your family, saying "shit" and "fuck" is okay, but not "gay" or "lesbian"?

My Life Is God's Comic Strip said...

anonymous: in case you haven't noticed, my family is not playing with a full deck.

28goingon40 said...

So funny - I can actually see the brunch table and the smoke coming out of your mom and aunt's ears. Hahahaha - excellent job.

Jordan, and ya don't stop said...

I had a similar experiance in my - get this - SOCIOLOGY CLASS of all places. A place where you'd normally think there would be plenty of open minded folks aware of societies stereotypes and what not.
this is an actual quote from from a girl in class during a discussion of same-sex marriage:
"if they let those people get married what's nex? they be lettin people deal drugs? dis this ridicolis"

I was stunned and it set the class in a big arguement which included a lot more crazy statement. The class was distrubingly divided almost equally between the open minded and the hateful biggots.
I'll be writing out this full story in a blog coming soon, so check back for it.