My sister (the Spawn of Satan) and I have decided that from now on the proper response to family questions about our personal lives is that we're gay or lesbians.
Knowing that older generations of the family contain homophobes, Spawn and I like to scare them a little every once in a while. Give them a little dose of reality, you know, what goes on outside the little box they so comfortably live in and keep trying to shove us into.
Saturday brunch was no different (but I think we get extra points for torturing family on the Sabbath - Go team!)
My aunt actually got angry. "You keep saying you're gay. Every time anyone talks to you, all we hear is 'I'm gay. I'm gay.' It's disgusting. It's not funny to joke about being gay. Being gay is sick." --Ahhh, fighting words.
"But what if I'm really gay? Maybe that's why I haven't been able to find anyone. I could be gay and not know it. Girls really are so pretty. We could get our nails done together. Imagine the wardrobe possibilities if I find someone my size."
Mom, now extremely angry, "If I hear you say that one more time, I'm going to smack the shit out of you. I don't want to hear that word coming out of your mouths again." Game on!
Me (wide eyed innocence): "But, what if I want to say I'm happy? You know, Gay means happy too."
Aunt (through clenched teeth): "Then say you're fucking happy."
Thirty seconds later, I turn to the Spawn, "Hey, remember that Halloween, when you wore that awesome GEI-sha costume?"
"Yeah, the one that got caught outside on the GAY-te?"
"Yes, because you were dancing to that song by Gloria GAY-nor."
"I love that song. Gloria GAY-nor has great dance songs. Hey, wasn't one of her songs in that movie with that character, GAYlord?"
"I don't know, but I don't think they called him GAYlord in the movie, he went by Greg. He has nothing to GAIn by using the name GAYlord."
"That's true. Are you going to watch the GAme on Monday night?"
"Yeah, I'll probably watch the GAme with my friend GAIL."
"Didn't GAIL buy a beautiful new alliGAYtor bag?"
"Why yes, GAIL...."
"You little fuckers."
My team always wins.