Minions

My mom has evil powers. All moms have evil powers; like bionic hearing, or the ability to see through things, but my mom takes the cake. Her scariest evil power is the ability to know when one of my friends lost her virginity. Just by looking at her. I swear.

Needless to say this caused serious tension and paranoia for my friends in high school. (I was in no danger of getting a boy to ask me out on a date, much less losing my virginity. Braces, glasses, unruly curly hair and being in the honors program are EASILY the most effective form of birth control ever). Like the time Stacey came over, and right after she left, my mom looked at me and said, "Does Stacey have a boyfriend? Because she's doing IT." IT being something no parent should ever mention to an awkward teenage girl.

I vehemently denied it, and defended Stacey's honor, ending with the triumphant, "If Stacey did IT, she would have told me! She's MY friend!" Ha. So there. I win. Beat that. A week later, Stacey admitted she had been doing IT for a month. *deep sigh*

Apparently evil powers can be passed down from generation to generation. I was having dinner with my 19 year old sister last night. And she kept looking at me.

Sister: You look really good. Did you do something different?
Me: Me? No, nothing different. I cut some long bangs. But that's it.
(Resume eating, change subject immediately)

Seven minutes later:

Sister: No, it's not the hair. Maybe its the blue sweater, it looks good with your black hair.
Me: Yeah, maybe that's it.
(Look down at food, begin stuffing large pieces of chicken into mouth, change subject immediately)

Four minutes later:

Sister: (peers at me, eyes suddenly get wide with understanding, covers gaping mouth, starts pointing) You look good because you had SEX this weekend!!!!! Oh god, that's what it is!!!! Oh, gross!!!!
Me: (laugh uncomfortably, look around restaurant) No, no I didn't.
Sister: Yes! Yes you did. Wait! When?! NO, I don't want to know. GROSS! No, really, when? No, don't tell me! Wait a minute, does that mean when I start doing it, I'm going to look this good?
Me: Yes, take your phone off of vibrate and go get laid already and leave me alone. You spawn of Satan.