Wild Kingdom

So this weekend I acted like a total TOTAL girl. I cried at two movies. TWO. Not just one. And what's worse is I cried in front of my date on Saturday.

It's this whole PMS thing. I know, as a woman I'm not supposed to blame my emotionality on the uncontrollable biological functions of my body. God forbid women fess up to not being in control of their emotions during that time of month. I personally think it's the perfect scapegoat for irrational, overly-sensitive, idiotic behavior.

I believe as women, we have a responsibility to recognize what happens to us during that time of month, and take certain precautions to avoid alienating or really pissing off every person we know or meet.

There are various options available including the following:

• the disclaimer, "I'm getting my period, please forgive my barbaric behavior";
• pain killers and anti-bloating drugs taken in quantities large enough to immobilize a baby elephant;
• keeping the tears and/or rants and/or the desire to set inanimate objects into orbit in check by recognizing the emotion as a symptom of PMS;
• and if all else fails, sequestering ourselves for the protection of society until all psychotic and/or sociopathic tendencies are gone.

Men, the only advice I can offer is to keep a wide berth. Oh, and investing in a tranquilizer gun might not be a bad idea.