There's nothing wrong with being an alcoholic. I'm well on my way and I think it's a good thing.
Noooo, I don't mean I sit around alone and drink myself into a stupor. Actually, I go OUT and drink myself into a stupor. A big, loud, embarrassing, falling down, "oh my god what did I do last night," "where did that bruise come from," "where's my underwear, and who the hell are you?!" kind of drunk. This is very fun.
Alcoholism helps me cope with uncomfortable or annoying situations that come up when I'm out with friends. Like being recognized from a profile I've posted on an online dating site (Last night. TWICE). "Hey, aren't you that divorced lawyer? I've seen your profile." Oh good, excuse me while I stab myself in the neck with my stirrer.
Or running into five different guys I've gone out with, in the same place. Last night. Gimme another stirrer, this one's not working.
And what the hell is up with the twenty-four year-olds trying to get some? These guys are really aggressive, even though to me they look like they're twelve. Last night I told one he's too young for me. He asked why? I told him because his breath still smells like breast milk.
Only the sauce gives me that kind of balls.