Wednesday, June 29, 2005

You Have the Right to Remain Silent

The make-it or break-it thresh-hold for most women in relationships are your standards: Cheating, Abuse, Wanting More, Boredom, Someone Better Comes Along. Those generally hold true for me as well. Of course, the operative term is "generally."

I now have to add one more: Criminal Activity. Crazy as it may seem, criminal activity is a deal-breaker for me. I'm not talking about pillaging and plundering, or holding up your local store clerk. I'm talking white collar crime. The kind with a 25 year jail sentence.

See, letting me meet someone wonderful just wasn't enough for Fate. Someone sweet and caring, attentive and trustworthy. Someone willing to get into a relationship, and give it the proper nurturing. No. I get to find someone with all, I mean ALL, of the ideal male qualities (let's not EVEN get into physiology, because dear god, if anything should be illegal, it should be his equipment) who just happens to be breaking the law.

Of course, he insists that he's not, and that I just don't understand the nuances of what he's doing. But seriously, people, I'm no dummy, and there are certain things this country stands by, no matter what you've got cooking.

So yeah, I spend a year-and-a-half after my divorce dating every schmuck in NY, find a great non-schmuck, and now I have to worry about federal indictments. If it's not one thing, it's always another.

I can just see it now: "No Bobby, Jr., daddy can't make it to your Bar Mitzvah, but he'll be out in time for your high school graduation." How much privacy do they give you for conjugal visits?

(I DARE you to tell me my life is NOT God's comic strip - double dog dare you.)

15 comments:

Terry said...

Um, just a thought, if he gets arrested and you two are a couple or married down the road, won't that mean that his stuff becomes your stuff while he's away? Does he have cool stuff (I'm very materialistic)?

Hilary said...

Oy. That totally blows.

LJ said...

Damn, that totally blows. And you're a lawyer, does he not think you know from criminal activities? Wow, I just .... what a pisser.

Kiki said...

oh man that bites donkey balls.....

Anonymous said...

Don't worry, just freeze in time one of favorite memories of him and move on.

Fuzzball said...

What...happened?? Heinrich, what in the world are you doing?

BitchFestivus said...

Ew, I had one of those... he embezzled from his company and used my address as his "office" address. I got a call from his company's detective and freaked out.

Amber said...

I have nightmares about the very same thing. Guy I ditched (and soon will divorce) became a night mare of epic proportions and he had criminal tendencies of the black market kind. I'm worried now that I'll find someone like you have, with the the same 'problem' or an even worse one. People are strange. I'm getting a phobia about dating again I swear.

Paul said...

I don't know what you're getting so worked up about. We live in a country where you are INNOCENT until proven GUILTY.

There are a million guys out there involved in what the government considers PYRAMID SCHEMES and they're not getting arrested. As long as he's not doing something that's going to hurt people (individually), and as long as there's really no way for him to get caught (potentially) and as long as he's using such rewards to buy you nice things... Don't worry about it.

Just tape record all your convos so you can get an Amber Frey book deal out of it when it's done, appear on TV, and then find the guy you really want.

Anonymous said...

So you're looking for reasons to dump him? And we, your readers, are supposed to agree with you?

Oh, and, your son would be Jewish?

Jack Burden said...

I say try a little patience. Give it a couple of weeks. If you're convinced that he's breakin' de law, and he won't own up to it and vow to stop, then ditch him.

One condition: if he's raiding 401K's, Enron-style, dump him now. Specifically, dump him at Spitzer's front door.

Anonymous said...

You sure feel sorry for yourself a lot. You know some people have REAL problems.

Fuzzball said...

Yeah, like losers who don't have the balls to post their name and instead hide behind "anonymous"...

nutty said...

Great blog!

You didn't expect him to actually be perfect, did you?

Anonymous said...

I think that Paul (Below) has the right Idea... Do you know exactly what he is doing? Is he keeping it in the dark? Is he afraid of the FBI? Does he duck when they are near? Hm, on that note, have they been near? Do you like him? Did you find out on your own or did he tell you what he is doing? Can you look into it? You ARE a lawyer after all...