Thursday, March 30, 2006

And People Say Attorneys Aren't Nice

I have inside-outside commentary. And I don't mean indoor-outdoor....

I have to be very careful sometimes that what's going on inside, doesn't come out.

You know, for example, "Get your fucking fat moseying ass out of my way, before I clobber you over the head with my bag" - on the inside. "Excuse me" - on the outside.

Or sometimes, "Hey, what the fuck was that all about?!" doesn't always get you the response you want. Generally, I have to tone it down, "Um, I was wondering if you could maybe, uh, sort of explain what just happened? I might have missed something, (on the outside) douchebag! (on the inside)"

I know men that I have to treat with kidd gloves too sometimes. I'm actually dating one right now.

I can't explain to you the number of times I feel compelled to growl, "If you ever fucking do that again, I'll cut your nuts off and make a pretty pair of earrings out of them," but of course, that has to stay on the inside. "You know, personally, for me, from my point of view, based on what could be my totally warped perception, I wasn't very comfortable when you did that...." has to come out of my mouth instead.

That's what earns me groveling apologies the instant I've made my point. It's satisfying to get the apology, but I wonder sometimes, if just saying, "Fuck you, you Fuck!" wouldn't be equally satisfying.

On the inside, I'm all, "You total and utter ASS." On the outside, I'm all, "Ooooo, that hurt my feelings." Yawn.

Even dealing with people at work. "Are you a fucking idiot?!?! What part of 'get me the research by 10' didn't you understand?! How's that one neuron working out for you?" all has to stay on the inside. "Well, I'd appreciate it if you could get it to me as soon as possible. No, I totally understand, you had tickets to a show last night. Great. Thanks. You're the best" on the outside.

"Stop checking out my ass, you disgusting perverted old man before I bring a sexual harassment suit so big, you'll be mowing my lawn to pay your mortgage" on the inside, has to be, "Was there something I could help you with?" on the outside.

It takes lots of effort and energy to keep my big mouth shut all day. It's not easy. I totally understand that I can't go around yelling at people and saying what's on my mind all the time. I'd literally end up alienating absolutely everyone I know. Not that I really like anyone I know, but I'm a people person, and you never know when someone will come in handy.

Like my dear friend told me yesterday, sometimes, you have to kiss one cheek while you slap the other, in order to get what you want. And she's my best friend in the whole wide world, (on the outside), dumb annoying bitch with the stupid advice (on the inside).


Winnipeg Damsel said...

Wow, my thoughts have never been put on *paper* quite so succinctly before.

I would love to be able to tell everybody my inside thoughts all the time. But, alas. I'm Canadian. Apparently we're too polite for that :|

Hannah said...

Dear God, yes, yes and yes again.

(On another topic: the Jewish mother thing? You were so spot-on it was scary. Sadly, it was the description of the psychopathic type that I encountered. Win some, lose some.)

Anonymous said...

Inside: "Damn I wanna squeeze your boobs, suck your nipples" Outside: "You look very nice today"

Inside: "I want to fuck your brains out" Outside: "Would you like to go to dinner?"

Inside: "Are you pms'ing again?" Outside: "You're right"

it goes on and on...

TC said...

Too much bottling things up isn't good for the soul.

It can also cause Tourette's in later years when the body starts craving all the profanity it has been missing out on!

Makes for fun at the Women's Circle, though.

Jack Burden said...

"I totally understand that I can't go around yelling at people?"

Um, I lived in NYC for a little bit. Isn't yelling at people standard social protocol?

Or is it that random, unprovoked yelling is OK, while ripping people a new a-hole when they deserve it is inappropriate?

Peddy said...

I hate to be a stickler but I believe that was a Bobby Collins sketch from the 80s, the whole inside and outside thing. It's a testament to its brilliance that it still holds up as funny as ever today.